Mama drama

I work hard, fail to get noticed or appreciated for it, worry that it means I’m losing my job, get a part-time job on the side so I have income if I’m fired, work hard to stay under my primary employer’s radar, then worry constantly about money. I work for a nonprofit that I believe in, but I live paycheck to paycheck. I considered quitting for the last two years but feel incapable of finding a new job, despite having lots of skills. I was talking to a friend about this and had an “aha” moment: I also stay with men who do not appreciate me and who are emotionally distant. I stay because I get scared I won’t meet someone else. What is my problem?

You’re looking for love in the all the wrong places. Employers expect their staff to work hard, so it’s no guarantee of appreciation. An individual who works 40 hours a week but “plays well with others” may be just as likely to receive recognition or a promotion as one who is tethered to a desk 70 hours in seven days. That’s the reality of adult life: Nothing is fair and there are no guarantees.

It’s also possible that your boss has no idea how to acknowledge or appreciate employees. In other words, the problem may not be entirely yours. But this part is: Just because you’re not singled out and celebrated doesn’t mean that you’re about to get canned. That kind of catastrophic thinking points to the real issue: an inability to believe it’s perfectly OK to want what you have (a job thats purpose you believe in, even if the financial compensation is low) while admitting that you are completely capable of continuing to create what you want (a job with an excellent salary and a boss who realizes you’re a gem). In the meantime, your money worries could land you an unexpected bonus: stress. It’s costly because either you waste cash on treats you can’t afford as compensation for working hard or because your body falls apart and you need to pay for pharmaceuticals or bodywork. That’s too much drama, if you ask me.

I want you to shift your thinking. Trust that you have a future. Jobs will come and go, men will come and go, but you must remain at peace with yourself and your choices. Practice the fine art of letting go (of stinky thinking patterns, men who are not emotionally available, jobs that are too small for you) and live with the spaciousness and possibility that endings provide.

I’m 15 and my mom snoops in my room. I haven’t done anything wrong. It just bugs me that she would do it. A man she works with found drugs in his son’s room so she’s doing inspections. We were close, but now I don’t want to tell her anything and that drives her crazy. She’s convinced that my silence means I’m keeping secrets.

Your bedroom is on loan; you don’t own it. But that doesn’t justify mama’s snooping, unless you have used drugs or abused other family rules. My advice is to continue being honorable. Give your mama a month to get these shenanigans out of her system. Then assure her that you would not betray her faith in you because you’ve been raised right. Ask that she return to trusting you, unless you give her reason not to. But don’t get defensive if her drama continues. That way, when you’re grown, you can look back on this period and laugh at the idea that searching a teen’s room could stop them from doing anything they really want to do.