Magna cartes

Dear Mexican:

I live in a little village in England in a house that’s 200 years old, just down the hill from a tiny church that’s so old that it was actually built before God said, “Let there be light,” thus proving that Stephen Hawking is a blowhard. The only industry around here is the cement factory, and that has been taken over by Mexicans. It used to be Rugby Cement and now it’s CEMEX. Not much changes around here, and people don’t much like change, but there was an expectation that the new management of the cement works might liven the neighbourhood up; that mariachi bands would stroll the streets; that burros would appear, ridden by sleeping guys in sombreros; that the night’s quiet would be split by the thrumming of guitars, shouts of “Andalay! Andalay! Arriva! Arriva!” and the crackle of brisk exchanges of gunfire as executives settled their budgets for the new financial year.

None of this has come to pass. In fact, no Mexicans have been seen in the village at all, despite the village pub having legendary chili nights. Is CEMEX an illusion? Or are the Mexican managers all brujos who can make themselves invisible by drinking concoctions of jalapeños, tequila and dried armadillo brains from scooped-out human skulls? We need to know the answers to these questions, lest the peace at the heart of England be disturbed, and the beat of Drake’s drum be heard faintly on the breeze, calling, calling. Toodle-pip, old chap!

—Baron Botolpho Winkletje van der Griezels

Dear Limey:

Isn’t it great that the Reconquista is now global, and that American stereotypes of Mexicans easily crossed the pond? And don’t think this Mexican has forgiven Genesis for their pendejada of a video for their song “Illegal Alien.” But, yes: CEMEX (a syllabic abbreviation of the company’s original name, Cementos Mexicanos) is one of the world’s largest cement companies, born and headquartered in the city of Monterrey (whose natives are as notoriously stingy as your Scots). Other Mexican corporations with worldwide reach include Grupo Bimbo (bread makers), Televisa (creators of telenovelas) and the Mexican Nalga Fund.

Why do white Americans buy into this Reconquista bullshit? I believe that these babosos talk about it more than Mexicans do. I have yet to meet a Mexican that is part of this “movement.” Every Mexican that I know has come to America to work, seek a better life and buy a Chevy Tahoe or Suburban—that’s it. I was born and raised in San Antonio, served my lovely country in the U.S. Army (2003-2008), and now live as a disabled vet in Denver. My parents were from Zacatecas and Jalisco. I asked them about the Reconquista and got the same response from both of them: “Dejate de pendejadas.”

So, gabachos, when you come to ¡Ask a Mexican! to ask stupid questions, consider this: Most immigrants go through shit and high water to come to America. Why would they even want to reclaim the Southwest back for Mexico? You think they would want to travel an additional 800 miles to come to America? As a child, I have been to Mexico on family trips, and let me tell you: I would not want to live there. My parents sure didn’t. But back to my original question: Why do gabachos buy into this anti-Mexican bullshit when they have way bigger things to worry about? We are not the American-way-hating race.

—El Sargento

Dear Sargeant:

Primeramente, gracias for your service. Secondly, to our Know Nothing audience: Cut out this letter, staple it to your foreheads without anesthesia, and get it through your thick heads that this is the reality of the Reconquista—especially the Suburban part. Finally: Why do they believe this, Sargento? Por pendejos. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, and remember to add serranos to your stuffing!