Long viva the Kings?

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas—until it inevitably makes its way to Sacramento, where it mutates into a cringe-inducing bastardization of what purportedly are “good times, brah” some 1,000 miles southeast.

That’s right: Maloof Sports and “Entertainment” took a stab at making over the Kings at last Wednesday’s solid but scrappy home-opener win over the rebuilding Memphis Grizzlies, but the result, in a word: FAIL. It’s like the Maloofs want Sacramentans to hate live basketball. It’s like they want to shake off fans and move to … oh.

MS&E made a lot of tweaks to the Sacramento NBA experience, the most obvious, and flagrant, being the live band that performed during players’ introductions and at halftime. It was a surefire buzzkill, one that many argue single-handedly brought down the 1980s: buttrock, by way of Rev Theory, Maloof Music act and Girls Gone Wild Rocks America tour alum. They performed atop a riser in section 120, which overtook some 75 unsold lower-level seats. Announcer Scott Moak introduced the players and Rev rocked—"Give ’em hell, yeah!” And pretty much every fan sat agape, confused. “Where’s my order of metal riffage and 20-something ladies in 12-year-olds’ gymwear?”

Don’t blame fans for being dumbfounded: This attempt at freshening up a years-old game-opening ritual was as dry and unpalatable as the falafel at Arco’s new shawarma concession. And very Maloofian: Remember their tactless ridicule of Detroit at that home opener a few seasons back? I guess, in a way, this was an improvement.

Fortunately for the Maloofs, Sacramentans still enjoy basketball. But, unfortunately for Sacramentans, your 2008 Kings play a different brand of hoops, one that involves dubious half-court offense and questionable defensive effort. And Kings president Geoff Petrie knows this: He stood at the courtside-tunnel entrance, left hand on chin, watching Beno Udrih repeatedly waste the 24-second clock before scrambling and dishing to, of all people, Mikki Moore for 15-footers. Yikes.

Mayor-elect Kevin Johnson, who was courtside, must have been at a lack of words to describe coach Reggie Theus’ offensive game plan. I’ll give it a stab: Take your best player, one Kevin Martin, isolate him corner-baseline and never get him involved. Or maybe K-Mart’s not assertive enough? Or maybe he needs Brad Miller. Damn stoners.

Anyway, K.J., a former Phoenix Suns point guard, left at the half after receiving an honorary jersey. At least he showed up (read: Udrih).

All things considered, though, it was a decent game. Sure, turnovers are in this year, as are blown leads (again) and ill-advised Theus timeouts during breakaways. But on a positive note, Jason Thompson, the Kings 22-year-old first-round pick out of Rider University, is a monster: Fierce and exuberant with great hands and footwork in the paint, he stands out on the Kings like cannabis in a daisy garden. He’s dope—and if he’s not starting at the four by December, then, well …

Maybe K.J. can suit up?