Lindsay Lohan is la reyna

Dear Mexican:

I would be most interested in hearing your point of view regarding our raza always voting for someone with a Latino last name without even considering if the vato/vata is qualified for a particular office. Often, I hear comments like, “If he is Latino it makes up for all the years of injustice.” But don’t you think that our Mexican forefathers and recent immigrant friends left our native countries because Latino politicians have been unable to govern without corruption? Lately, we have seen what happens when we vote for Latinos without engaging in the issues or their backgrounds—just look at the California cities of Bell, Cudahy and Pico Rivera, where I live.

There was recently a race for one of the most important positions that will actually affect Los Angeles Latino students: a Los Angeles Community College District trustee position. In District 6, we have an incumbent güera that everyone agrees has to go. Then, we have a Latino vato politician who is looking for his next big political gig. The Los Angeles Times endorsed an old white guy, but he is a firme vato who has 30 years in the community-college system, from profe to presidente. Unfortunately, the old vato lost, and the güera and vendido moved on to a runoff. I’m afraid that our raza voted for the Latino dude without realizing that he will not know how to fix the problems at LACCD, and our students will get the short end of the stick—just like the residents in Bell, Cudahy and Pico Rivera. What can we do to help our people do the right thing?

—Tony Villar Is a Vendido

Dear Wab:

Mira, Latinos are not somehow more predisposed to corruption in politics—look at most of Europe, or any big city in the United States—so your theory that Latinos immigrated to the United States for its less-corrupt politics is like saying Mexicans like pinto beans because they produce fabulous pedos. That said, I do join you in railing against Mexis voting for the Mexi on the ballot just because they’re Mexi—but again, idiocy in the American electorate is nothing new. How else do you explain two terms of Dubya? The only way around this is education, education, educacíon—but we live in the United States, where questions like the following are far more pressing to our raza …

My camaradas and I always discuss famous celebrity women and how we would like to court them and make sweet love to them! It turns out, we wind up always talking about Raquel Welch, Monica Belluci, Paquita la del Barrio and Lindsay Lohan (Lindsay is la reyna of them all). And we ask ourselves why is it that she is our hot topic of conversation every time we talk about women and sex? Do you think she might possibly be Mexican? She is always going to court because of legal and financial problems. Is it that somehow, deep down inside, we want to be her father figure like that one puto sings about? Es porque esta tiernita, fresquesita, chiquitita y güerita that we find ourselves lusting for this nice piece of chamorro! Can you please help us out why we lust for Lindsay? And before you ask: If you are wondering why the French name, I’m sick and tired of gabachos and wabs always claiming one-sixteenth something else, so I claim one-sixteenth French nobleman with a chingonazo of chile colorado!

—Le Chorizo del Douleur

Dear Frenchy:

Mexicans like Lindsay Lohan? Sure, she appeared naked in Machete, but I would peg Kate Upton before LiLo as the current gabacha Mexican-man crush. Then again, they both are an hombre’s ultimate combo plate of desire: gabachas, young and chichonas.