Jonah Hex

We have all heard the one about a thousand monkeys with a thousand typewriters eventually banging out the works of Shakespeare, but the infinite monkey theorem might be the only conceivable explanation for the screenplay of Jonah Hex. Based on the DC Comics character, Jonah Hex is so poorly conceived and executed, I gave it an extra star out of sheer admiration for its incomprehensibility (no single five-minute sequence makes any sense). The grimily anachronistic antebellum atmosphere shows the promise of what could have been, but the rest of Jonah Hex is warmed-over Ghost Rider, as a scarred tough guy (Josh Brolin) with a hot line to the afterlife is hired to save the world from a crazed Confederate terrorist (John Malkovich, surrendering). Jonah Hex clocks in at just 81 minutes, with jagged scissor marks all over the final cut. (Daniel Barnes)