It’s not her, it’s you

My brother’s girlfriend is pregnant. He thinks he should marry her, but I know he’s not ready to settle down. A friend told me this girl got pregnant on purpose. My brother doesn’t believe it and wouldn’t ask her about it. I think she’s a bitch and doesn’t belong in our family. How can I get him to see he’s making a mistake?

She’s in the family way, but you don’t want her in your family? Too late! Your brother has spiritual, emotional, financial and legal responsibilities for their child. So whether they wed, or not, the mother of his child is family.

You can welcome her in, and use your opinion of her as an opportunity for your spiritual growth. Or turn your back on her, letting a piece of your heart harden, while you become someone your brother can’t have an honest conversation with. There’s also the possibility of working to be emotionally neutral. That allows you to face situations with his girlfriend without your “she’s a bitch” perspective. Who do you want to be in the world?

Few people are all in when it comes to a major life changes, such as marriage. Questions slither in inviting us to reject, reaffirm or second-guess our decisions. We have runaway brides and “cold feet” before vows are spoken. But hey, it’s not necessary to be 100%. It’s enough to move toward a decision, checking in with oneself along the way, confronting fear and choosing love. It takes courage to get to know our own hearts, much less the heart of another. So step away and let your brother find his path.

Let’s turn a spotlight on your life. Drop the thought that your brother’s girlfriend got pregnant on purpose. Maybe she did. Maybe she didn’t. What matters is that when you cling to seeing her as manipulative, it inspires you to be suspicious, an attitude that harms you, your brother, his girlfriend and their child. What’s done is done. Move forward and become the best brother, uncle and brother-in-law your family has ever known.

One of my friends has been talking to this guy who everyone says is a player. But she says he isn’t that way with her. Is she being naïve? Or can a player change?

Most people can change. That’s the basis of meditation, yoga, energy work, psychotherapy and other forms of healing. But not everyone wants to engage in the effort it takes to shed who they have been to become a truer version of themselves.

What you’re really asking is: Can a person in a relationship behave differently in private than they do publicly?

Yes, and that’s exactly how a player operates. The relationship feels emotionally intimate and exclusive when the couple is together. When they’re apart, the player is having similar emotionally intimate relationships with others, while the player’s partners worry about where he is, what he’s doing and with whom. Some partners hold on, imagining they will win the player over. Others cling because they never learned how to let go. Yes, that’s right. The player isn’t the only one who needs to change.