Sex, lies and videotape

My boyfriend asked me to send his mom a photo from his phone. Afterward, I was looking at his photos of us, feeling really happy. Then I clicked on a video and saw him having sex with his ex-girlfriend. Why does he still have a video of her? Does he watch it? Was she better at sex than me? My mind is going crazy, but I’m afraid to tell him I saw the video. Advice?

The longer you delay taking responsibility for being curious, the more distress you create for yourself. So tell your man the truth. Explain that seeing him with his ex stirred your insecurities. Admit that you began to worry, but not about him. You trust him. Let him know that old worries returned about whether you are sexually appealing.

How do I know worries existed in you long before you saw that video? Your mind slings fear with far too much ease. That’s a sign it’s had plenty of practice. We all worry to some degree, but when worried thoughts run unchecked, we are training ourselves to become skilled worriers. Here’s a new direction to try: Confront negative thoughts with honesty. Remind yourself that an amazing sexual connection is part of a healthy relationship, but not the only reason for loving someone or staying with that person.

When worries arise, focus on trusting yourself to manage whatever lays ahead. Trust is the opposite of anxiety and worry is a low-level form of anxiety. And please stop competing with your boyfriend’s ex. She’s over. He’s with you. When you obsess about her, you are spending time with her, instead of with your man, or other people and things in the world. Don’t be that girl.

My girlfriend had this list of questions people should ask each other to get closer. Basically, I learned that she wants to get married, quit practicing law and raise kiddos. Well, paying her bills forever is not what I want. Long story short, I cheated because part of me wanted break up. I feel bad because I do love my girlfriend, but I feel like she’s using me because I make a good living. She went to law school to impress her parents and basically hates her career. I’d like your take on this because your advice is solid. Thanks.

Your girlfriend wants a traditional marriage (one spouse works outside the home, the other stays home and raises their kids). You don’t. If a committed relationship is your goal, what form would you like it to take?

One option is a partnership in which both individuals contribute equally to the health of their relationship, to mutual household expenses and chores and to care of children produced through the union. If that’s a future you can embrace, be aware it requires a consistent habit of reflection, appreciation and willingness to grow. The next step is to decide if you love your girlfriend enough to break up with her. Sound harsh? It’s not. Hanging on, hoping she will change is a waste. We can love someone and recognize that person isn’t the one, at least not anymore. Sound familiar?