Santos and sinners

Dear Mexican:

—An Innocent Bi-Stander

Dear Saint:

I feel for ustedes. It’s hard enough for closeted Mexicans to deal with their sexuality in a society that still doesn’t allow homosexuals to marry (current California state law until sexual Know Nothings intervene notwithstanding). Mix in your Catholic faith and still-wabby parents, and the anguish must be agonizing. There’s only one thing you can do: Come out to your parents. But don’t take my heterosexist word for it. I asked my amiga, the hilariously subversive writer Monica Palacios, to give you some advice. The queer señorita offered this beautiful note for your use:

Dear Chica with Muy Catholic Parents:

Slip a note into the piñata that reads, “Queridos Padres: Happy Anniversary, I love you very much and by the way—I’m a lesbian. My sexuality is not a reflection about you, it’s about who I am—and I am a healthy, happy woman in love with another woman. My girlfriend and I would like for you to attend the performance of Monica Palacios. She’s hot and a Chicana lesbian performer who will be doing a piece about the importance of same-sex marriage. Please come, learn and laugh, and then we can all go out for menudo.” Be true to yourself, amiga: Your parents might be upset, but better them than you living a lie.”

Wait a minute, Monica: Only I’m allowed to shamelessly self-promote in this column! But do take her advice, Bi-Stander. And for any homophobic Mexicans out there: Get over it. Gays and lesbians are the illegal immigrants of American sexuality, perfectly normal folk who, because they’re just the slightest bit different from mainstream norms, must suffer bigots and stupid laws. If you care for your raza, you’ll help defeat Proposition 8, the pernicious California resolution that seeks to ban same-sex marriages in the Golden State. And if you don’t care about equality for all, may the Minutemen camp outside your abode tonight.

For more info on Monica Palacios, visit www.monicapalacios.com.

I have a Mexican stepson whom I love dearly. I go to all his boring soccer games, and they win all the time, and these kids are so happy when they win, but when it comes to taking their picture, they never smile. Why don’t Mexicans smile in pictures? Why so serious?

—The Joker’s on You

Dear Gabacho:

To hide our gold and silver teeth.

All my Mexican friends that are Catholic don’t know anything about Catholicism. Sometimes, I go to their church for weddings or gang members’ funerals, and they don’t even know when to sit, stand or repeat the father! I don’t think they even know who the woman in the green poncho is! I know the wabs and some first-generation Mexicans know their stuff, but most of my Mexi friends (second-generation and up) haven’t even done their First Communion. Are the Chicanos going to hell?

—Our Lady of Perpetual Porno

Dear Gabacha:

Any Catholic—observant or not, Mexican or otherwise—who hasn’t risen up to fight their leadership’s role in the Church’s horrific sex-abuse scandal is going to hell. And any Catholic who doesn’t support the Church’s pro-Reconquista stance on immigration also has a date with the diablo. In conclusion, worship Huitzilopotchli.

ALERT! Buy the Mexican’s new book, Orange County: A Personal History! New contest coming soon so ustedes cheapskates can win a free copy!