Intellectual caca smearing

Dear Mexican:

I was in a taco shop in the bathroom stall and saw your racist dribble in La Prensa San Diego (the paper was being used as ass wipe, I guess). Whatever you say or write will always be foreshadowed by the fact that you and all the dark-skinned Mexis are mosca en la leche—that will never change. And for you to steal the statement “gentle readers” from Miss Manners shows just how unauthentic and uncreative you are. But we realize you are a Mexi; stealing anything (whether bicycles or prose) is embedded in the genetic code of your dirty culture. After I was done excreting, I used your column to wipe myself, and I threw it in the corner of the toilet stall with all the other soiled newspaper.

—Roger Hedgecock’s Biggest Fan

Dear Gabacho:

Your mom didn’t teach you to wipe properly; you just smeared this column with your intellectual caca. And Judith Martin didn’t invent the “gentle readers” shtick; hell, Jonathan Swift was dropping that couplet in Gulliver’s Travel. I realize you’re a gabacho: getting basic history and insults wrong is embedded in the genetic code of that raza’s more pendejo members. Now make like a yahoo, and dig for those nuggets!

Let me start by telling you that, like yourself, I’m a proud mexicana, and how glad I am that someone educated like yourself is trying to educate Know Nothings about things they think they know. My concern is this: I am a DREAMer, and I have come across so many stupid people that think they know what’s best for us. I have heard that it’s never gonna pass, that we’re just wasting our time, blah, blah, blah! What can I say to these Know Nothings to make them understand that all we’re asking for is a chance at what many of them have refused: a chance to go to college and have a good paying job, and/or a chance to serve in the military. After all, is not this the land of opportunities? Land of the free home of the brave?

—An Orgullosa DREAMer Mexicana

Dear Proud Mexican DREAMer:

Actually, I’m a mexicano, not a mexicana—not that there’s anything wrong with that! As for what you can tell Know Nothings to make them understand your situation … they never will. Instead, tell them “I told you so” by showing all the accomplishments undocumented youth have notched—college degrees, businesses, making your plight a national issue, one so big that President Barack Obama has issued a stay on any deportations for ustedes (an imperfect gesture, for sure, but at least a start)—while supposedly powerless. Are these not the types of Americans we want, people who can stare into the abyss of hopelessness and emerge not only positive but productive? If you’re supposed to make lemonade when life throws you lemons, DREAMers have created a taquiza out of nothing—and if Know Nothings want to ignore and demonize that, then they deserve the beautiful half-Mexican grandchild that’s coming their way pronto.