No love connection

I was in the dating phase with this girl and after several dates she randomly hit me with the “I’m not ready to be in a relationship” talk. WTF?! If she knew she didn’t want to be in a relationship, why was she dating me?

She was lonely. She was bored. She allows life to happen to her instead of getting clear on what she wants and going for it. Maybe she believes she doesn’t have the chutzpah, the personal power, the self-confidence to pursue her dreams, to turn the dreams into goals and the goals into her reality.

Only she knows. But that knowledge may be buried so deep beneath her fears, her coping mechanisms, her unhealed wounds that it may never rise to the surface of her awareness. And she may never possess the drive to become emotionally intimate with herself, may never yearn to know who she is behind her public face, nor invest in the sometimes gut-wrenching but ultimately empowering work of self-discovery.

Or she is clear on exactly the kind of man she desires. When the two of you met and began dating, she might have thought there was a match between her preferences and you. Over time, she noticed gaps that caused her to pull away. She just didn’t have the interest, the strength of character to explain. It’s also possible that she fears confrontation and so chose not to communicate honestly.

All of this is just a riff, of course, on the various reasons connections don’t work out. The truth is, whatever her reasons are, they’re not important for you to know. It’s easy to make up stories so we feel better. Unfortunately it can become a way to lie to ourselves. The truth is, relationships begin and relationships end. In between these births and deaths is the process of deciding who you want in your life, what you are willing to tolerate in another person, where your boundaries are and what love means to you. Enjoy the journey because the destination (a forever commitment) isn’t promised.

Let’s tune into you: Beneath your indignation sits a pool of hurt that needs your attention. Soften your heart. Admit to yourself that you really wanted this relationship to work out. Notice if you read things into her words and behavior instead of telling her how you felt, what you hoped for and asking what she wanted. Explore your own capacity for the unexpected.

Did her response really come out of nowhere? Or did your intuition give you hints that you tuned out? Some of the frustration you feel may be at yourself for pushing your intuition away. If so, own it. Then, change: Practice listening to the wise voice within every day so that when you need to hear it you can. One technique is to meditate without music, apps or other stimulation. Walking in nature unaccompanied by electronic devices also enhances the inner ear. Another technique is to stay aware of your thoughts and feelings as you engage in conversations with others. Eventually, you will look back at this breakup and be glad because it guided you toward learning about love.