In love with a liar

My boyfriend has repeatedly lied to me. He said that he was 23 and only had one child. Later, I found out that he was 28 with two children. Then a girl confessed she’d been messing around with him for months. He denied it, but in my heart, I knew it was true. I got over it, and we moved on. Months later, he didn’t want to have sex. Finally, he confessed that he had cheated on me with a few girls, and he was currently cheating on me with someone. I really didn’t know how to handle the hurt. So, I confessed to him that I had slept with my ex-boyfriend one time. I said I did it because he wasn’t being intimate with me. We got over that and moved on. Recently, I was at his house and read a message from a girl. I called her back, and she told me that they had been dating for more than a year. I don’t think he really loves me. We are constantly arguing, getting back together and breaking up.

I’m tired of his games. He told me today that he doesn’t want to be with me right now. I want to move on with my life and meet someone nice, but I really do love him. What should I do?

Detach with love. Not everyone we love or think we love is a viable romantic partner for us. Sometimes, the love we feel is simply what is inside of us. Other times, it truly is what has grown between two people who share values, mutual attraction and good communication. In some situations, what we call love is really infatuation. Feelings of love also can call us into relationships in which we recreate unhealthy behaviors from childhood in an unconscious attempt to tend to old wounds. That can result in a painful, rollercoaster relationship. Even this can be transformed if both people are devoted to self-reflection and change. However, when there are repetitive lies and the relationship is consistently low on the priority list, it’s time to say goodbye.

Before entering another relationship, study true intimacy. Pop psychologists have frequently used the word intimacy as a euphemism for the range of sexual behaviors that includes intercourse. This practice has filtered down through the culture, inspiring plenty of confusion. Let’s be clear: Engaging in sex does not magically create intimacy. Intimacy is built slowly, over time, through honest communication, trust, self-understanding, deepening love and compassion. This is why many religions continue to discourage sex before marriage. It can help a couple to focus on developing the essentials of true friendship—spiritual, mental and emotional intimacy—before giving themselves to each other sexually. That way, you determine in the beginning if someone is a viable match for you, thereby saving yourself a lot of heartache and exposure to sexually transmitted diseases.

I am attracted to a very beautiful man whom I find perfect in every way. However, he ignores me on more occasions than not. I can’t tell whether this is on purpose, or if he is playing a game. I certainly give him a lot more energy and compliments than he gives me. How do I have a healthy relationship with this man?

Stop the subterfuge. Strike up a conversation and determine whether there is enough connection to invite him to a café for lunch or an iced tea. Stop using compliments to manipulate him into paying attention to you. Treat him like a human being rather than an attractive piece of sculpture, and both of you will benefit.