Lost, no translation

This may be news to you: Sacramento has a Lost band called the Constants. That is, a band that centers around Lost, the twisty, crazy, cult TV show that is ending its sixth season on May 23. This shouldn’t be too surprising. After all, Trekkies 2 filmed here because we have three local Star Trek bands. The Constants—composed of Matthew Maxwell, Matt White, Candice Phillips, Dylan Barnes, Ryan Reliable and Gaba—will play their third (and possibly last) gig this Friday. They showed up for their interview in matching Dharma Initiative jumpsuits. I asked them about Jacob, Hurley and life after Lost. Oh yeah, you won’t understand this interview if you don’t watch Lost. Too bad: It’s almost over.

How do you guys party backstage?

Barnes: We just watch Lost. Both times, we just watched Lost.

White: Drank Dharma beer. Ate fish biscuits.

Are you going to wear those costumes when you play?

White: These aren’t costumes. They’re our uniforms.

How did the Constants form?

Phillips: I was the last one to come into the band. It started off at—

Maxwell: —at Tower Theater. We all worked at Tower Theater. The thing is that at Tower, it’s real slow and you start writing songs for fun about anything with anybody who’s working at the time. Matt White started writing a Desmond song. … I remember us all jamming in the break room, working it out.

White: “Make Your Own Kind of Desmond” was our first song. I still have the lyrics tacked onto my wall.

Who or what is your constant?

White: Matt’s my constant.

Maxwell: Dylan’s my constant.

Phillips: I’m my own constant.

Barnes: Tower Theater is my constant … and sometimes Matt. One of them.

Tell me about your Richard Alpert song.

Maxwell: The song, “Isabella,” kind of just happened overnight. Like, a lot of our songs happen in a moment where we feel inspired by something. … I was just thinking about Meatloaf at work and then I went home and downloaded The Very Best of Power Ballads. … I just wrote that chorus and then Matt White wrote all the Spanish verses in our kitchen.

White: I think I was eating ramen or something coming up with the lyrics, just giggling.

Maxwell: And then putting guitar on it and recording it.

What are the lyrics translated into English?

Maxwell: Our Spanish is really terrible, so I don’t know if there is a direct translation, but we like it that way, though. It’s “Where’s Isabella? / She’s dead / I don’t like that, life’s a bitch in the house of the devil.”

White: That’s all the Spanish we have.

Describe your dream date with Hurley.

Barnes: Being from the South, I also really like fried chicken. But it would have to be alternate-universe Hurley. … He would buy me hella fried chicken and then just be super nice and supportive. … It would be awesome.

Phillips: I’d probably meet him in the asylum, so we’d break out, with some blankets … have a picnic with some cafeteria burgers.

White: I would probably have a hard-core George Lucas geek-out with him. He’s mentioned Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Back to the Future so many times.

Maxwell: Have you ever seen the music video for T.I.’s “Whatever You Like”? It would be like that.

Would you join a group led by Jack or by Locke?

Maxwell: Locke. Because he owns, because he has the knives and he throws them, and he’s creepy and he’s more interesting and less annoying.

White: I don’t like being bossed around, so Jack would definitely not be not a good choice for me. So Locke all the way.

Phillips: I’m stoked on Jack this season. So I’ll pick Jack.

Barnes: Everyone who went with Jack lived, except for Juliet and wait … everybody else. … I don’t know, Locke always seems so confused. At least Jack seems like he knows what he’s doing.

Phillips: Locke is kinda sketchy. I don’t trust him.

White: That’s why I like Locke: He’s more on my level. I don’t know what to do, either.

Who’s your Lost crush?

Phillips: Desmond, all the way.

White: I would say Desmond, but she already did.

Phillips: Such a hunk!

White: Probably Sun, although I’d have to fight Jin, which wouldn’t be fun.

Maxwell: It totally changes from, like, season or week to week, I guess. Sun is pretty consistent. Claire used to be hot until she got annoying.

Phillips: Actually, Richard Alpert as Ricardo. I have this unhealthy obsession with him.

Maxwell: Not Richard? Just Ricardo?

Phillips: Just Ricardo.

Maxwell: Or even, like, young Eloise Hawking.

White and Barnes: Oh yeah!

Maxwell: She was pretty nice. Not older, though.

Well, she’s, like, 75.

Barnes: But classy!

What will life be like post-Lost?

White: It’s going to be very strange and new. Kind of like moving somewhere where you don’t know anybody.

Maxwell: Me and Matt White and some other people are working on forming a laser-tag-themed band called Hell Lazers after the Constants are over.

Barnes: We’ll have to find something to fill the void.

\dLost tribute band the Constants will play with the Four Eyes this Friday, May 21, at Luigi’s Fun Garden, 1050 20th Street; 8 p.m.; $5.