Chinita bonita

Dear Mexican:

I’m an Asian female, and for some time now I’ve been fascinated by the Mexican culture. I find Mexican males to be very attractive. Their food, language and music are just amazing! How much of a chance do I have dating a Mexican hombre if I’m Asian?

—Muchacha China Curiosa

Dear Chinita:

Dios mío, are you in luck! Mexican society loves their Asian women—it’s the job-stealing, vice-promoting men we can’t stand. The beautiful, colorful flowing dress Mexican women wear when dancing baile folklórico is generally called the china poblana, in remembrance of an apocryphal Indian slave from the 17th century. To dress as a china in Mexican popular parlance of the late 1800s meant to dress like a lower-class mujer for the purposes of becoming alluring, like the characterization of the gypsy woman. And even in the present day, we romanticize Asian mujeres but without the dragon-lady bad vibes gabachos throw in their hot pot of racial desires. In other words, not only do you have beaucoup chances of dating a Mexican, you’re going to have to beat them back with a bamboo stick. Only drawback? Whether you’re Vietnamese, Japanese, Korean, Burmese or from Macao, you will always, always remain a chinita bonita to your man’s aunts—just ask my ex.

I have a Mexican friend who is a roofer. He and his crew are very efficient and do excellent work. I pay them the fair-market price for their labor—the same money I would pay gabacho roofers if they weren’t all fucked up on crystal meth, Wild Turkey, shitty relationships with skanky-ass whores, etc. My gabacho contractor friends mock me and call me a dumbass for this, but believe it or not, exploiting el cheapo immigrant labor just ain’t my bag. It’s very lonely being me. So, my question is: Do you, as a Mexican, or taco bender, or pepper belly, think that I’m a dumbass?

—Roofer Who Doesn’t Use Roofies to Nail Rucas

Dear Jefe:

Dumbass, you? The problem of Mexican workers in los Estados Unidos getting paid less than their gabacho counterparts has existed since forever, so for you—a gabacho—to not only pay fair wage to Mexicans, but do it in the realm of construction (a 2005 study published by the National Association of Home Builders found that Mexicans not only occupied the lower rungs of the construction industry, but bore the brunt of lower-wage jobs as a result) qualifies usted for folk sainthood status in some rancho in Guanajuato.

Maybe your column can address the question of why Mexicans allow so many of their small children to become obese. As a mother of three, I find this to be a heart-rending circumstance. I know healthy food is more expensive (especially if you choose not to garden), but the long-term medical situation for their children is obviously grave. You could do a public service in your column.

—Grieving Over Ruined Dinner Angst

Dear GORDA:

Same reason gabacho and negrito parents do—lack of exercise, education and healthy eating. I don’t mean to sound flippant or apologetic for my raza, but black and white kids ain’t exactly Kate Mosses in the world of childhood obesity. According to a 2002 Centers for Disease Control and Prevention survey done by its National Center for Health Statistics, nearly 40 percent of Mexican-American kiddies ages 6 to 11 are overweight, and 23.7 percent obese, compared with 35.9/19.5 of negritos and 26.2/11.8 of gabachos in their respective categories. My public service? Parents: Instead of serving your niños eight Christmas tamales this season, make do with seis and hold back on the second helping of pozole.