I hate you, Comcast

My cable’s out. And while waiting for Comcast to get their deal together, I’ve been watching an unhealthy amount of YouTube. Last Monday, I sat in front of my computer till the sun came up, ingesting 11 straight hours of home videos. I showed up to work looking like I’d been smoking crack all night.

In fact, there’s nothing more addictive than watching gang warfare from the safety of your own home. As an example, check out this particularly nasty brawl that took place at a south Sacramento gas station that defines the dark underbelly of our city of trees: www.youtube.com/watch?v=go0OB0ELl-E. Spoiler alert: It ends in a knockout.

The comments below the videos are classic. Take, for example, this fight (www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9Y6ydFmUFA), which happens in the hoodburbs section of Natomas. It’s nothing new, really: Two kids fight while a crowd eggs them on. But one commenter, the observant “Tyakatyrone,” is quick to dismiss the sparring altogether, opting instead to point out a fashion faux pas: “Lmmfao …. dude had a Oreo jacket on.” Nice.

Although you could stay up for days watching YouTube violence, even the novelty of combat runs out after several hours. So luckily, that’s not all they have to offer. How about a bunch of ’80s meatheads eating at Denny’s in south Sac, flexing their muscles, mullets and mustaches? Yeah, you want it (www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UI1-BeAIBk).

Local music? If you search hard enough, you’ll find a killer unreleased video from Sacramento’s Cawzlos (www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHcod6wtx54&feature=related). Or how about the Genesis drum duel between Phil Collins and Chester Thompson? Or a Magnolia Thunderfinger clip from 1998? And when you’re sick of music, you can always go back to watching crackheads throwing chairs at each other.

But after a few days of this strict YouTube diet, I’m malnourished. I need a protein that only Nancy Grace can provide. Jesus, cable: I miss you.

On October 9, I received this fateful note from my girlfriend: “Hi, hon. Comcast is out of our lives forever. I hate them.”

And just like that, it’s gone for good. So I ask you this, dear reader: Would you do me a solid and Tivo UFC for me?