How to make a kick-ass sando

Bread

Having the right bread is like giving your sandwich a hug. You want the bread—and hug—to be firm, yet gentle.

Pickles are technically a vegetable, but so high in sodium and lacking in nutrients that it negates any health benefits. They must be crunchy and not allowed to seep into the bread. “Soggy bread walks with the devil.”—sandwich proverb

Capers

Capers are hyperpickles formed by traveling through an event horizon. They transcend pickleness. Hold on, I’m being told they are not actually pickles and pickleness is not a real word (notes in diary).

In all seriousness, capers are the flower bud from a plant called a Flinders rose.

Avocado

Yes. Always yes. I know it costs extra but it’s always worth it. Also, it’ll blast your gullet with oleic acid. (Not the fun kind of acid, just the healthy kind.)

Lettuce

People have told me lettuce is healthful. Eat at your own discretion. Make sure it is fresh and full of that sweet, sweet chlorophyll. Rule of thumb: The darker green your lettuce, the healthier it is for you.

Condiments

A sandwich must not have logical condiment fallacies: If oil, then vinegar. If salt, then pepper. If mustard, then mayonnaise. Aioli is the European standard of condiments and can be applied alone.

Tomatoes

We are literally surrounded by tomato fields. According to the millennial I purchase my produce from, the illest tomatoes are heirloom. (I had no idea.) Purchase tomatoes from your local farmers market or hijack a tomato truck.

Meat

Lean chicken or fish are the most healthful meats for your sandwich. Chicken breast has a protein-to-fat ratio of 1 gram of protein per 4.5 calories. Tuna, cod and salmon are 1 gram of protein to 4.2 calories. Problem is, the unhealthier the meat, the more delicious it tastes—like bacon.

Bacon

A highly contentious topic. Bacon is high in protein—4 grams a slice—but very high in sodium and fat. Still, many people love it so much. When you put bacon on a sandwich, the bacon flavor can sometimes overwhelm the sandwich rather than complement it.

Toothpick

A toothpick retains the structural integrity of the sandwich. I prefer miniature umbrella toothpicks, which give my sandwich more protection from the rain, but as long as it holds the sandwich together, any is acceptable.

Cheese

There are almost as many cheeses as there are grains of sand on the beach. Listen to your heart for what kind you want. More important, melted or not melted? For an on-the-go sandwich, I would not recommend melted cheese, but if you have the time to sit and savor a sandwich, melt it down! Meltyness is next to godliness.