Hot sex or healthy love?

My boyfriend and I recently talked about our prior relationships, including our sexual experiences. I love my boyfriend and he loves me. Sexually, our relationship has been good but not as hot as with my past guys. The weird thing is that my current relationship is the most stable and healthy one that I have ever had. Since our conversation three weeks ago, I find myself fantasizing about old boyfriends and wondering if I should try to find someone with whom I have the kind of soul-connected friendship I have with my current boyfriend, plus really hot sex. What do you think?

Emotional ambiguity stimulates some people, and you may be one of them. The less stable a couple’s emotional commitment, the more likely one of them will use sex to justify how right they are for each other. If you miss the tense, gripping excitement of wondering whether a man is being truthful, or if he is really into you, or if your relationship has a future, there are plenty of people to meet in the dating pool. Jump in!

And, yes, it’s possible a man exists who will be your best friend and fulfill all of your sexual fantasies, but it’s not likely to last forever. Eventually, sexual intensity subsides in a committed relationship and is replaced by contentment. If that doesn’t sound good, don’t worry; you’re not doomed. In long-term relationships, hot sex ebbs and flows like the tide. So as long as you don’t allow the daily tasks and stress of life on Earth to get in the way, you and a partner will have many opportunities for sexy hotness.

There’s another angle to your issue: Do you believe you deserve a healthy relationship? If you’ve developed a habit of dating guys who don’t cherish you, it may be hard to accept a relationship with a man who does. The next time your mind wanders into the past to conjure images of hot sex with an ex, rein it back in. Focus instead on your boyfriend’s good qualities and the specific, positive ways your current relationship has impacted you. Give yourself permission to lay off the drama and choose love instead.

Whatever happened to courtship? Guys don’t show up for dates with flowers or anything that lets you know they have been thinking about you or that you’re special to them. There’s the ubiquitous coffee or cocktail pre-date, which is essentially a screening process, usually followed by plans for a dinner date or outing. If that goes well, it’s texts on Thursdays: What are you doing this weekend? Followed by vague plans to “hang out” or “get together.” I’m only 40, but am really disappointed by my generation of loser guys who obviously don’t possess the capability to think ahead or plan anything. What’s wrong here?

Your standards are simply higher than most. You value thoughtfulness, organization, planning, focus and commitment. Courtship still exists, but it’s rare. That doesn’t mean you should toss your values. It does mean you ought to be more patient. You’re asking for a man who has been raised, and remains attached to, the traditions of being a gentleman despite the influence of an increasingly narcissistic culture. Instead of being disappointed, pour energy into teaching the young men in your family, if you have them, how to behave with class. And if you choose to stop dating a man because he doesn’t meet your courtship standards, follow the tradition of social graces and remain silent about your reasons. If that doesn’t appeal and you choose to speak up, take great care to educate, not insult him. Remember, many men have no clue about courtship because no one ever explained the idea. Don’t hold it against them.