Hot and cold

The last guy I dated just stopped talking to me. I didn’t even know what to do. I planned to go on a dating detox but then a random guy started commenting on my Instagram and sending me DMs. He’s not my usual type but he was so complimentary and so nice. He asked me out and we met up. He was so into me! It felt really good. We’ve been dating for a while now and I like him. He says he is in love with me. He’s already talking about moving in together! I don’t want to hurt his feelings but I’m not sure how I feel about him. He’s just not the kind of person I see myself with long term. Should I tell him?

Not yet—the first conversation I recommend having is with your ego. It has a specific idea about the type of person who is best for you, but it might actually be wrong. When we spoke by phone, you said that the man who ghosted you was your type. Maybe it’s time to reset your picker. Escort your ego from the driver’s seat and invite your soul to take the wheel. That way, you can select a partner based on the qualities that matter most, like communication, trust, shared values and a satisfying sexual connection.

The other issue that struck me during our phone conversation is that you have dated a lot but have never been in a long-term relationship. That means you have experienced quite a few endings. Every breakup is like a little death and leaves a mark on our hearts. How have you dealt with these fallouts? Most people fixate on their emotions around a breakup, but don’t investigate their thoughts or actions. Are you ready to get to know yourself that intimately?

A full-on dating detox isn’t necessary. You don’t have to avoid potential dates, either. But you definitely have some housecleaning ahead. Start here: sift through your previous dating experiences. Think about what you disliked about the time spent with each of your dates. Consider the emotions that arose within you when things didn’t proceed as you might have hoped. Then take responsibility for your part in those challenges. It might feel distasteful or cumbersome, but it’s actually transformational.

Complaining about your date is easy. Blaming your date is easier. But seeing how you contributed to, or even caused, a disagreement is a sign of spiritual maturity. It’s so much easier to find love, sustain love and learn from love when you’re navigating relationships like a woman who is confident and free.

If you like the man you have been dating but feel like he’s moving too fast, tell him. He might not realize how his enthusiasm is landing. Of course, there’s a stickier challenge to address: You might not be into the man who is into you precisely because he cares for you. If he were less interested and less available, it’s possible that you would feel a spark. Examining the end of previous relationships will guide you to make wise choices about love in the future, including when to trust whether it’s real.