Holding vs. folding

I’m 27 years old, and my partner is 53 years old. We love each other and would like to take things to the next level. But I can’t. I’m scared of losing him. He’s so much older that all I think about is that we don’t have much time before his health deteriorates. I am terrified of being left behind when he dies. He wants to live together and eventually marry (if we still can given the political climate). What should I do?

Stop trying to get the future right. The next time your mind tells a story about how terrible it will be when your partner dies, ask it to stop assuming things it cannot know. Age is not the only predictor of mortality. Fixating on your partner’s death distracts you from seeing your deeper fear of abandonment. So face the eternal question: Is it better to have loved and lost, than never to have given your heart completely? Find your heart’s response based on two things: how you feel now with your man and surrendering to love. Let bliss be yours. In the process, practice taking charge of your thoughts instead of letting your thoughts take charge of you. But don’t turn away from your epic romance. The road not taken will haunt you. And, remember, your man will always be with you and you with him. You live eternally in each other’s hearts and minds. P.S. 50 is the new 40, so your man is older than you, but younger than you think.

My wife and I have been married almost 50 years. I’ve begun thinking about the things I’ve missed and made a bucket list. I urged my wife to do the same. We swapped lists. She didn’t speak to me for days because I included certain sexual activities on my list. She let me know that she is not interested in fulfilling those desires with me. Must I go to my grave unfulfilled?

Yes, if you’re in a monogamous marriage. No means no, after all. But I wonder why you chose to shock your wife by handing her your bucket list. Why didn’t you talk to her first about your desires? If she’s not sexually adventurous, seeing something like “BDSM” next to “visit the Grand Canyon” or “watch the Giants in spring training” probably frightened her. You might consider becoming a better communicator. Hone your seduction skills, too. There’s no guarantee that either will result in your getting what you want, but both skills will improve your marriage and your sex life.

There’s this guy at work I’ve been flirting with for weeks—the hot, sexy kind of flirting that doesn’t belong at work. Last week, a group of us went out. I got drunk and hooked up with my crush. The sex was mind-blowing. The next morning, I sat in his apartment eating scrambled eggs and listening to him actually talk. I freaked. He’s a right-wing-conspiracy-spouting, Trump-supporting jerk. I left and have avoided him since. I so want to hook up with him again but I don’t really. Do I?

Um, no. But you knew that, didn’t you?