Hercules

The same creaky and goofy qualities that make Brett Ratner's Hercules mediocre in any era are also what make it almost recommendable in this time of doom-shrouded action cinema. This Hercules comes in at 98 minutes, and you can practically see the knife marks where Ratner hacked away at flatulent subplots and unnecessary backstory—it's a film of low ambitions, and it achieves them. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, who already appears to be molded from his own action figure, is the perfect Hercules for this treatment, and while there is not a single surprising beat in the film, it's still an entertaining whir of training montages, inspirational speeches and snarling villains. A supporting cast of slumming teeth-gnashers led by John Hurt, Ian McShane and Peter Mullan don't just chew the scenery, they dunk it in water and slide it down their gullets like Kobayashi at Nathan's.