Her cheatin’ heart

My husband stopped touching me after three years of marriage. Eight months ago I started hooking up with a single guy at work. My husband doesn’t know. Recently my co-worker broke off the affair. I was devastated at first but then decided to work on my marriage. My husband is trying to make it work, too. But last night I had a one-night stand with another guy. I’m not sure why I did, but I wonder: Should I tell my husband about the affair and last night?

If the roles were reversed, would you want him to tell you? If not, you might want to rethink your beliefs about emotional intimacy in marriage. You should also review your understanding of love. Honesty is an essential ingredient in intimate, loving relationships. Dragging the carcass of secret betrayals into an attempt at marital reconciliation is a way to sabotage your healing.

I understand that opening your life to another person can feel daunting. But if you are a person who is now driven to live and love fully, you must be willing to share who you are. One of the blessings of a long-term committed relationship is the gradual revelation of a powerful reality: You are loved and loveable. Yes, that means you are loved as your best self, and you are loved while stumbling through the darkness of your worst fears about yourself. You are also loved during your least loving actions toward others. In those dark times when you fail to behave kindly toward yourself or others, it is God who loves you. But that experience should be instructive, guiding you to heal and open your heart to others.

A marriage that lacks affection or sex is like a two-legged chair: wobbly. Your husband may not have confided in you about why he behaves as he does, but you both deserve to know the answer. It’s also important to dig deep and talk honestly with him about why you continue to betray him. Secretly seeking sexual satisfaction outside of your marriage allows you to avoid dealing with the problems in your marriage and yourself. So please go to therapy. A skilled psychologist can help you to uncover why you are cheating yourself out of intimacy by cheating on your husband. The path to healing will also inspire you to make clear decisions about your marriage and your future. That’s vital, especially if your husband leaves after hearing about your sexual secrets.

My biological clock is ticking! I’m recently divorced, childless and interested in meeting a man who wants a family as much as I do. The problem is that most of my friends are already married with children. I have one friend who is single. About 80 percent of the time when I make plans with her to go to a club, bar or some other event where there might be eligible men, she bails. I expect that you will say I should stop asking her to go places but I really don’t know anyone else. Advice?

Yes. Have you considered going out just to have fun? I do understand that your goal is to meet a man who would be a wonderful husband and father. But your intensity of focus might be a turn-off, both for your gal pal and for a man. Try being open to meeting Mr. Right in locations other than bars and clubs. After all, he could be anywhere, even across the room as you’re reading this column (Ha! Made you look!). In the meantime, remember, you’re not are a slave to your biology, unless you choose to be. Give yourself the gift of freedom to believe in a future you can’t yet see.