Freightliner Unimog

Gaggenau, Deutschland

Gas is going down like Monica now we got our awl-bidness boys in Washington fixing to open up a can of whupass on any country that denies us our God-given right to fresh crude. And, ho-hum, everyone in the gated community drives a Suburban, Yukon, Expedition or Excursion, and a few Hummers are starting to show up. It’s a hard crowd to impress, but come next fall, DaimlerChrysler will market the Unimog—over six tons of “up yours, podna” that’s nine feet tall and seven feet wide—through its Freightliner heavy-truck division. Yep, it coulda been a Dodge, but that marque is probably too déclassé for this baby, which is built by DC’s Mercedes-Benz division and base-prices out at $84K. If you’ve got that kind of scratch, nothing screams “Hummers are for pussies” like this hooptie. So slap that “Bush/Cheney 2004” sticker on the bumper, go roll over some liberals and fire up a Macanudo Churchill. Jawohl!