Find out when and where to drink in Sacramento during the Super Bowl

It’s gonna be hard to watch this year’s so-called “Big Game,” the 46th incarnation thereof. First, no doubt you’ll be surrounded by a bunch of whiner Niner fans still crying in beers over Kyle Williams’ failure to two-hand the pigskin. Or not get knee-slapped by it.

And then, there’s the whole “Really, a Giants-Pats rematch?” Who wanted to see that? Plaxico Burress’ for-the-win, corner-endzone grab in the final minute of Super Bowl 42 crushed the Pats perfect season. It was the perfect diss for any Snow-Bowled, tuck-ruled Raider fan (yours truly)—and that’s why it’s so damn upsetting Tom Brady & Co. get a rematch opportunity.

Dang, I’m so bummed out I need a drinking game. So here you go; all you’ll need is beer, and something a “little harder”:

1. Any time a commentator refers to Bill Belichick as some kind of genius-mastermind, swig your beer for 2 seconds

2. If halftime-show act Madonna does something a child under the age of 12 should never witness, chug beer for 5 seconds

3. Any time anyone, anywhere performs the act of “Tebowing,” drink a shot of the harder stuff

4. If an offense makes a first down, sip beer for 2 seconds

5. When TV cameras show a kicker warming up on the sidelines, sip beer for 2 seconds

6. When the Giants score a touchdown, cheer—then drink suds for 5 seconds. When the Pats score, you must remain silent for 30 seconds without touching any alcohol.

7. Any time a challenge flag is thrown, drink beer for 4 seconds

8. When someone mentions or shows a highlight featuring David Tyree’s dope helmet catch, the “Tuck Rule” or “Snow Bowl,” Tom Brady’s hot wife Gisele Bündchen, Peyton Manning’s bad neck, Pats owner Robert Kraft’s bad neckwear—take a shot

9. Drink beer for 3 seconds any time you see a GoDaddy commercial, or a spot where some kind of snack chips explode, or an animal attacks a human.

10. Any time you see man boobs during a crowd show, down a shot of the hard stuff

11. If someone online or at a party makes a “whiner Niner” reference, take a shot

12. When Tom Brady throws an interception, cheer real loud—then swig your beer for 8 seconds

13. Any time anyone at your party changes channels to the Puppy Bowl, drink beer for 3 seconds

14. If the game goes into overtime, you have to finish all the hooch and suds in the house within 2 minutes

15. At the end of the game, take one last drink of the sweet beer—and then get a cab ride home

They call it The Big Game, but we can write Super Bowl. Here’s where to watch it:

Firestone Public House, 1132 16th Street; (916) 802-3036

The Republic, 908 15th Street; (916) 502-0474

Yard House, 1166 Roseville Parkway in Roseville; (916) 780-9273

Bisla’s, 7042 Folsom Boulevard; (916) 383-0133

MVP’s Sports Grill, 2110 L Street; (916) 441-4151

Streets of London, multiple locations; visit www.streetsoflondon.net for more information.

De Vere’s Irish Pub, multiple locations; visit www.deverespub.com for more information.

Cheater’s Sports Bar, 3221 Folsom Boulevard; (916) 732-0563

Mikuni’s, multiple locations; visit www.mikunisushi.com for more information.

R15, 1431 R Street; (916) 930-9090.

Hooters, multiple locations; visit www.hootersofcalifornia.com for more information.

The Depot Video Bar, 2001 K Street; (916) 441-6823

Playerz Sports Bar & Grill, 2201 Northgate Boulevard; (916) 924-7529

Clubhouse 56, 723 56th Street; (916) 454-5656

Elk Grove Sports Bar and Grill, 9661 Elk Grove Florin Road in Elk Grove, (916) 685-6103