Drop the old script

I need help releasing fear so I can fully embrace my boyfriend’s love. I keep repeating this mantra: “Open mind, open heart,” especially when I do yoga. It helps, but I still feel so scared to let my boyfriend fully into my heart. I can feel my heart closing sometimes, and I know it’s due to past insecurities. My first boyfriend would go back and forth about wanting to be with me. I’ve had other boyfriends since, but none of the relationships have been any good. My current boyfriend is amazing. I don’t want to mess this up or lose him. He is 100 percent invested in us. He’s the guy I want to marry and be with forever. Advice, please!

Our past relationships leave imprints, and that’s especially true of the first time we gave our heart to someone. Our minds (unconsciously) craft attitude and behavior patterns that we repeat (often unconsciously) in future love connections. Like this: Your first boyfriend would never commit to you. Now you’re with a guy who is 100 percent invested, but you’re not emotionally available. So your current boyfriend is in your old role and you are playing the role of your ex-boyfriend. Why? To avoid the rejection and abandonment you felt when your first boyfriend would not commit. That relationship taught your mind to follow a particular rhythm of interaction. Now you’re ready to heal, so you attracted an emotionally available man. But rather than going all in, you picked up the old script and began re-enacting the story of an old wound. You switched roles to wield the power. (The one who threatens to leave had the power in your old script.) Unfortunately, that’s drama. In love, there are no power plays.

There’s also a perfectionism underlying your approach to being with your boyfriend. It’s the idea that this relationship has an end game, like marriage or moving in together. If you’re pushing for a destination, you miss the scenery, souvenirs, celebrations and self-awareness possible on the journey. Why not shift your focus to a more open-minded perspective? Drop the belief that a relationship is only successful if it ends in marriage. Begin by seeing your relationship as an opportunity to develop your love skills. Choose to evolve into a better version of you.

One more thing: Mantras are not magical incantations. Repeating, “Open mind, open heart,” during yoga keeps the ego-mind occupied, but does nothing to awaken the consciousness needed to discover why the mind and heart are constricting. It would be more transformative to direct your attention to the experience your body is having during yoga. As you relax into a posture, direct your attention into your body. Notice what emotions arise, become aware of the rhythm of your breath, and be conscious of your thoughts and fears. Stay connected to your inner self. This is a practice that can increase self-awareness. As self-awareness builds, fear decreases. As fear decreases, the mind and heart open. In this way, your interior world learns to slow down and can empower you to catch yourself before you act out any residual fear that remains.