Don’t douche it

Dear Mexican:

I’m a civil-rights lawyer. I sue the San Diego Minutemen. Whenever the Minutemen are accused of being racist, they always say something like, “I’m part Hispanic,” or they’ll note that some of their members are Mexican. This last claim is actually true. Some of the most zealous Minutemen are actually Mexican-Americans. I’m 100 percent Irish. I don’t understand why the Mexican members of the Minutemen can associate themselves with a group that is so obviously racist. Can you explain?

—Mick Who Likes Mexis

Dear Mick:

Gracias for legally sparring with the vilest section of the Minutemen movement, but you gotta give us Mexis some credit. Just like micks became some of the most racist, corrupt pogue mahones in America, Mexicans can also hate their recently arrived brethren—it’s called assimilation, and it’s inevitable in this country for even the dumbest mojado. And just like micks can be stupid, so can Mexicans. For instance, a recent Arizona State University study showed that 81 percent of registered Latino voters in the Copper State oppose its anti-immigrant Senate Bill 1070 bill—the overwhelming majority of la raza—but that still leaves 19 percent of Arizonan wabs supporting a measure that would have them kicked across the Sonoran Desert in a heartbeat. You’ll have to ask each of those voters to explain their irrationality, but I’m happy that they exist—shows the Know Nothings that Mexicans don’t just reside in one political prism and are actually, you know, human. As for the Know Nothings trotting out tokens or claiming they can’t possibly be racist because they’re “Hispanic” (quick aside: Ever notice how racists can never bring themselves to utter “Latino” when lamely trying to pass themselves off as moderate?): it’s both an appeal to authority and appeal to sympathy, logical fallacies that only the dumbest pendejos use. Like the San Diego Minutemen!

The supermarket in my predominantly Mexican neighborhood has an astonishingly large inventory of douches on the shelves of the personal-care aisle. It’s easily 10 times the stock of what the market carries in a more Anglo neighborhood a couple of miles away. What gives with the douche fixation?

—La Gringa

Dear Gabacha:

Tú sabes—backward, warped views of human anatomy influenced by culture and religion. The 2006 study, “Vaginal Douches and Other Feminine Hygiene Products: Women’s Practices and Perceptions of Product Safety,” published in Maternal and Child Health Journal, found 15 percent of Hispanic (there’s that word again!) women douche, compared with 9.1 percent of gabachas. But the two groups don’t come close to match the percentage of their negrita sisters who douche: 27.7 pinche percent. The same journal published another study in 2008, “Vaginal Douching Among Latina Immigrants,” which tracked the same douching rates for mexicanas. Both cited the reasons I gave, while the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services opines most women who douche do it to try to eliminate vaginal odors and prevent pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases. Almost all the science shows that douching is about as healthy for a woman’s panocha as Tapatío, so Gringa: por favor educate your Mexi hermanas about the risks. And, while you’re at it, can you remind them to use protection during sex, especially the younger ones? We got pretty high pregnancy rates, too, tú sabes.