Don’t be a stalker

I’m divorced from my high-school sweetheart. It’s been painful, but I’m seeing a counselor. I am working, taking classes toward my bachelor’s degree and enjoying the hobbies on my bucket list. I met someone unexpectedly. We went out and had a blast. He kissed me goodnight and asked if he could see me again. He works a lot and didn’t have much time to talk between our first and second dates. After our awesome second date, he asked me out again. He called the next day and made some vague plans for the weekend. I kept trying to get specifics, but he wouldn’t budge. By Saturday afternoon, I hadn’t heard from him, so I sent him a text. He didn’t respond, but I could see that he had read it. I called him Saturday night. He apologized, said he was tired and didn’t want to go out. I asked if he still liked me or if I did anything that made him change his mind about me. He said no and he would call. It’s been three days. Should I call again, just to check in?

Please don’t. Desperation damages the female brand. Instead, call yourself back to the divorced-and-discovering-life you, the woman who existed before you met this man. She was a force of nature—cleaning out her wounds, crossing items off her bucket list and climbing steadily toward her goals. Continue that focus on shaping your own life. Enthusiastic interest in your own ideas and dreams, coupled with the persistence to birth your vision into reality is incredibly attractive. Asking a man you barely know if you have done anything to lose his attention is, well, not attractive. But don’t beat yourself up. Most of us have been needy at one point or another.

If you married your high-school sweetie, you may have missed the opportunity to date. One of the values of dating, when it is done correctly, is that you learn how to be yourself without pouring all of yourself into the relationship. Sharing should be gradual, until you decide to commit to one person, and that person commits to you. Then you can freely give all of yourself to each other. Yes, that means you treated two great dates as evidence that you and this man are soul mates. Who knows? Maybe you are. But right now, all we know is that you enjoyed two wonderful outings with him. Oh, and we also know that when you fear you have been rejected, you cling. So, in the future, if a man asks you out, is vague on details, and doesn’t call to clarify those details well before the anticipated outing, please make other plans without him. And, no, do not call or text this man now to check in. Consider your two dates and phone conversations to be opportunities to practice the art of dating.

I saw a woman I know on an online dating site. Her kids attend the same school as mine, so I know that her husband left her for someone else more than a year ago. I want to contact her, but should I try to run into her at the school? Since I already know her, it might be weird to contact her online.

Don’t be a stalker. The fact that your kids attend the same school means nothing at this point. She posted a profile online, so send a message to her on that site. Be certain to say that she looks great and familiar. Invite her to lunch if you are truly interested in her, and not just curious about her marriage. At lunch, you can inquire about her kids and tell her what school your kids attend. Good luck!