Don’t answer the booty call

I have been involved with a guy for five years. At first, he just wanted sex, and I wanted to date. I gave in, and we hooked up. After eight months, he declared his love, and we started dating. It was great, except his friends created drama. Eight months later, he freaked and ran away. A month later, we started having sex again but not dating.

For the past year, all we’ve done is have sex. He is emotionally distant. I sent an e-mail explaining that I miss the man I dated. He called days later to say that he feels lost, loves me, doesn’t want to lose me and does not want to date. I guess I was hoping he would reconsider. Three years ago, he asked if I would go to therapy with him, and I’m beginning to think that would be the only way to resolve this. Any insight?

Yes, you’re flunking sixth-grade math. If you average eight months of dating by four years and four months of being his booty call, the outcome is negative. For you. He, of course, is receiving precisely what he wants: sex without strings. You must be emotionally distant from yourself in order to put up with being treated so badly.

For five years you have desired a relationship with a man, and for five years you have buried your desires, needs, self-worth and relationship to reality. It’s as if you believe that you will be a person of value if you can sell yourself to him. And so you endure not having what you want in the hope that it will lead to having what you want.

Has it worked? I guess it did for eight months. Or did it? This guy behaved in accordance with your wishes, but his friends balked, and he checked out. Do you understand that his behavior means he chooses not to be an emotionally available, mature partner in a relationship?

The right therapist could help both of you, if you are able to keep the commitment to the process and continue to attend sessions even when it’s difficult or when the results are not apparent. But since you both have trouble with that now (for example, you are not committed to taking care of yourself emotionally), it’s unlikely that therapy will be of much value. So, try asking him directly for what you want. If he does not provide it, and you choose to stay with him, don’t complain. If you leave, don’t regret making a choice for self-care.

I have a low-paying full-time job that provides a tremendous sense of accomplishment. However, I am frequently stressed because I don’t earn enough to pay bills. I am always scrambling to find supplemental work. I like nice things, and I am frustrated that I can’t afford them. If I purchase clothing or have a meal out, it tips my budget, and I am unable to pay my bills. I have a lot of skills, and my boyfriend is constantly urging me to get another job. I am afraid that I can’t or, if I do, that I will not be successful. I am so stressed that sometimes I wonder if life is worthwhile. Please help.

Your life is worthwhile; have no doubt about that. But you must make a consistent choice to live within the salary that you are provided. This may mean opting out of the culture’s call to consumerism and embracing an ascetic lifestyle. There is beauty in the simplicity of this, and you may discover that it suits you. After all, your desire for the occasional luxury may be a response to the stress of constant work. So, if you lived within your means, it would no longer be necessary to push yourself beyond your salary.

The other option, of course, is to seek the adventure of a new, unknown environment and discover yourself beyond the limits of your imagination. Both paths are risks: living outside of cultural expectations or living outside of your own.