Dickmatized by gabachos

Dear Mexican:

I see lots of Mexican-Americans struggling in grade school and high school. Many Mexican-American activists claim it’s because they don’t speak English at home or the schools don’t teach them well. But I see lots of Asian-Americans in the same schools who do really well. Many of them also don’t speak English at home. The last time I went to a hospital, it seemed like Asians were 30 percent of all the doctors. I didn’t see a single Latino one. Why is it that one group consistently does better than the other? I don’t understand.

—Clueless

Dear Gabacho:

Because Mexican students are stupid, while Asian students are geniuses—that’s what you and your ilk want to hear, right? This pregunta always busts me up, because no matter how many studies activists can offer examining the myths of model minorities and Mexican apathy toward academics—variables, educational background of parents, socioeconomic conditions of neighborhoods, the quality of schools blah, blah, blah—Know Nothings dismiss the facts. That’s not what they want to hear, and they don’t even care about solutions to the education gap. So I’ll just say it again to please ustedes: Mexican students are stupid, Asian students are geniuses. Happy? Of course you are! However, just because you wish something to be verdad doesn’t make it so—and if you don’t believe me, go see what happened to Mitt Romney’s dream of Mexicans self-deporting.

Far too many Mexicans refuse going to the trouble of learning English. They often speak Spanish annoyingly loud in public. Sometimes, the kids speak better English than their parents! And, if they don’t understand you, they just smile and say, “No, si, no.” What is that crap anyway? How about learning enough of our language to say, “I’m as proudly Mexican as you are American. Screw you, muchacho!” While this would be totally obnoxious, at least it’d be more honest than “No, si, no.”

—Willy the White Writer

Dear Gabacho:

Of course the kids speak better English than their parents—the kids are Americans, while the parents are Mexicans. And those Mexicans are muy honest with you—or do you not hear them mutter “Chinga tu madre, pinche gabacho feo apestoso” under their breath?

My boyfriend is Mexican, and I am a gabacha. Whenever my boyfriend sees a Mexican girl with someone of a different race, he gets disgusted and mad (especially when he sees them with black guys). I’ve pointed out to him that he seems a bit hypocritical, since he’s with a white girl as well—but he says that he makes an exception for me. Do all Mexicans feel this way, or is my boyfriend pinche loco?

—Lover of Verga

Dear Cock-Loving Gabacha:

Of course your guy is pinche loco—but so are all men of color. Hombres complaining that their raza’s women are dickmatized by gabachos while boasting about nailing gabachas is a trope as old as gabachos fearful that oversexed bucks and banditos were taking too many of their women. That said, I’m not going to dismiss the anti-negrito sentiment that still dominates the Mexican mind, especially when said negrito is dating a mexicana. Raza: We gotta drop anti-black thoughts from our community the same way we ditched Carlos Mencia.