Dear Mr. Mistake

Never date anyone who sells drugs for a living. This woman in college told me she was selling drugs to make enough money to pay for an attorney because she just knew she was going to get busted.

Avoid dating someone who suffers from low self-esteem. It seemed easy at first, because she hated herself so much she didn’t have enough left over to heap on me.

Stay away from schizophrenics. She was an actress and told me of her difficulties reading lines because she heard other voices. Seemed like double dating, for a while.

Don’t date someone with no visible means of support. I don’t mind picking up the check for dinner, but this woman expected me to pay for car repairs and her rent. The phone call after the second eviction wasn’t returned.

Don’t stick around a cold fish. She had a degree in psychology but could never figure out why she didn’t like sex, unless toys were involved. Issues with her father.

Never date a hypocrite regarding religion. We met at a bar over drinks. When I awoke, I looked over on the nightstand and saw the Book of Mormon. She said her father was coming over to take us to their Sunday meeting. I never met him.

When they tell you that they love you, yet start listing all the things you could be if you just tried, run away. Don’t look back.

If she tells you about all the positions she has dated on the minor league baseball team, consider the possibility of disease.

Don’t date someone you don’t like.

Well, I could go on but I’m out of space. Hey, good luck out there.