Dank vault

Harvest is approaching and it looks like I am going to have a bumper crop! What am I going to do with all of this delicious marijuana?

—Abe Bundance

Hey, it’s way better than having too many zucchini, amirite? Congrats on your success! Lucky for you, marijuana is easy to store, and if you do it right, your buds will stay fresh and smokable for a long time.

After you have harvested your bud, you will want to let it dry slowly so that the chlorophyll dissipates and the danky deliciousness remains. This can take weeks, but if you rush it, you will end up with grass-flavored weed, and no one wants that, so take your time. Some people like to dump their stash into paper bags, some folks shell out for fancy curing jars—www.cvaultstorage.com makes some good ones—but however you do it, make sure to dry them slowly and evenly. Heat and light are the natural enemies of cannabis storage, so make sure to keep your buds in a cool, dry, dark spot.

There’s a company called Boveda that makes humidity packets to keep your buds at optimum freshness. Do it right and your buds will last until the next harvest, if not longer. (Weed hack: If you plan on storing some buds for a few months, don’t trim them too much. Keep the cover leaves on to protect the trichomes and trim when you are ready to smoke.)

Don’t forget to use the trimmings for cooking and making tinctures and lotions and stuff. Author Sandra Hinchliffe has a great book called The Cannabis Spa At Home (Skyhorse Publishing, $16.99). It will give you great ideas about ways to use all the leftover pot trimmings. I am glad you are having a great harvest, and please invite me over to share in the bounty.

I met you at a comedy show earlier this year and I told you I hadn’t smoked a joint in over 24 years because of a prison job. But now I’m retired and it’s time to try something new. I have arthritis and want to try an ointment. Also, I guess I need a card now to get it, right? How do I get one and how much trouble is it? P.S. I did take three hits off a joint two years ago from a friend (after I was already retired, of course). That shit knocked me the hell out!

—M.C.C.

Welcome back! There’s no stoner like an old stoner! Cards are easy to get. This paper is full of advertisements by doctors able to write you a recommendation for medical cannabis. Find a coupon and go see the doctor. Easy. Peasy. It’ll cost you like 60 bucks, tops. Arthritis is definitely a qualifying condition so you shouldn’t have any trouble. Once you get to the dispensary, talk to your budtender and ask about strains high in CBD. Research suggests that CBD is a natural anti-inflammatory, and it won’t get you too high. Have fun, be careful.