Court jesters

The Sacramento Kings suck. This year’s been the franchise’s worst in a decade and, at the season’s halfway point, they’re bottom-feeding in last place. They’ve got the eighth-worst defense in the NBA—wasn’t Coach Eric Musselman brought on board to teach the boys to be hard-up in the half-court and to get back on transition D? Even Ron Artest can’t keep challengers from scoring in the paint. Opponents are outperforming the team on a nightly basis in every category except free throws. Mike Bibby’s having his worst season in five years, shooting below 40 percent from the field and under 30 percent from the arc. So, how much are these cellar-dweller underachievers costing our favorite Carl’s Jr.-shilling billionaire brothers? Let’s have a look:

The total 2006 season Sacramento Kings payroll is $63,731,020.

The Maloofs have shelled out a whopping $1,874,441 for each of the 17 victories thus far in the half-season.

If the Kings were paid “by-the-bucket” so to speak, then:

Mike Bibby, the only King to play all 41 first-half games, earned $152,439 per appearance (not taking into account kickbacks to Team Dime). Bibby earned $4,215 for each minute on the court and $8,705 per point scored. He also raked in $15,244 for each fingernail clipped.

Kevin Martin, the team’s leading scorer, earned $12,535 per appearance and $606 per point scored. New haircut: priceless.

Brad Miller, a 7-footer, earned a cool $25,463 per rebound and $5,729 per minute played.

John Salmons, averaging 8.9 points per game in a little over 27 minutes of playing time, earned $6,509 per point scored.

Kenny Thomas earned $4,126 for each minute on the court. No value can be placed on his now-legendary indifference during press conferences.

Artest earned $16,290 per rebound, $5,328 per point scored and $0 for punches thrown (though his three-day Mohawk takes the crown from Martin for worst haircut).

Corliss Williamson earned $29,279 per rebound and $4,722 per minute played.

Musselman earned $68,627 per win (they don’t pay him to lose, no?).

Francisco Garcia earned $9,843 for each ill-advised three-point attempt.

Bench warmer Vitaly Potapenko earned $211,182 for each minute on the court.

All findings based on statistics through the first 41 games of the 82-game season.