Cool it, yo

This town can get hot. Like Sonoran Desert hot. I’m-gonna-vomit hot. It’s the kind of heat that makes you hallucinate.

And we hate to see that happen to you. We don’t want you to be that person ambling down K Street shirtless, muttering to yourself about the chupacabra and laughing maniacally at nothing in particular. We don’t want to see you like that.

Which is why we created this quiz. Everyone needs to find their own ways to beat the heat this summer, but we all can’t raft down the American River at once. Take the quiz below to decide which cooldown methods will fit you best this summer.

A. Browsing the CD section at the public library.

B. Dry heaving into the toilet at work.

C. I don’t know. Watching TV or something.

D. At the Laundromat.

A. Friday Night Concerts in the Park.

B. Taking control of the jukebox while shooting some pool.

C. Top 40 remixes.

D. C+C Music Factory on repeat. In your basement.

A. “penny earned.”

B. “spliff to burn.”

C. OMG, just shut up already.

D. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

A. How far away is this venue?

B. Should we have taken acid?

C. Am I going to die of boredom?

D. Will it be crowded?

A. In the office cafeteria.

B. It’s called “brunch.”

C. No, I’m not.

D. Alone.

A. Lawn seats at Raley Field.

B. Here We Stay, baby!

C. Like, ew.

D. Hot-dog-eating competitions.

A. At a family vacation down the coast two years ago.

B. Burning Man 2012.

C. Cancun, 2012.

D. Old Reeboks, this morning.

A. Tax evasion.

B. Possession with intent to sell.

C. Fake ID.

D. Cat hoarding.

Results

If you answered:

Don’t take it the wrong way, but chances are your friends haven’t seen your wallet escape your pocket in ages. For whatever reason, you just don’t spend money. And that’s fine with us. There are plenty of ways to stay out of the sun this summer on a shoestring budget, like meandering down the aisles at Costco, eating all the free samples. Hell, if you’ve got an entrepreneurial streak, you could invest in a kiddie pool while you’re there, and charge your friends to use it all summer!

Other options: nude beach, Ikea, city council meetings.

Listen, we’re not going to be the ones to tell you that you’ve got a problem. That’s not our job. We’re just here to keep you hydrated and to make sure that ticker of yours works on through the end of August. Thankfully, there are plenty of places for you to go to tie one on and keep cool this summer, like Rage on the River for some bro-friendly water fun, or drinking summer cocktails under the shade of Tower Cafe’s overgrown vegetation. Just always have a designated driver, keep hydrated at the concerts and know your dealer.

Other options: Paradise Beach, Total Wine & More, the back patio at Bows & Arrows.

We don’t care if you’re 35 with a full-on beard and the only daddy issues you have involve the fact that you’re about to become a daddy. If you answered mostly C, then you, friend, are a teenage girl. Which is fine. Not all of us are into the snooty Midtown farmers-market-and-rusty-bicycles-and-kombucha lifestyle. If you want to rock out to Selena Gomez while eating some Gunther’s Ice Cream in the shade, more power to you. If you want to find the perfect outfit perusing the chilled Galleria at Roseville mall, then we’re not going to stop you. Enjoy your summer, girl. You earned it.

Other options: Leatherby’s Family Creamery, Grandma’s house.

Maybe it’s glandular. Maybe you have a lot of stress. Either way, your sweat glands work overtime, and we’re here to help. We get it, too. You’re not one for crowds. You’ve been burned one too many times out there in the real world (literally and figuratively), and you now find solace among your fellow Redditors on the Interwebs in the comfort of your own basement. But should you ever come out of that shell, we recommend you go all out by letting your worries float away at one of Northern California’s secluded nude beaches or going down the river in the Auburn woods.

Other options: walk-in beer fridge at the local convenience store.