Conservative and racist

Dear Mexican:

As I’ve been doing a lot more business in the city of Santa Ana (one of the most-Mexican cities in the United States), I’ve realized that a shitload of Mexicans are the Fox News-type conservative, yacking out the same kind of shit you hear at a Glenn Beck conference except for immigration (probably because Tío Juan has no papers). But I’ve also met a ton of anti-immigrant Latinos who look like they just hopped the border themselves. In fact, I hear more crazy shit from Latinos in Santa Ana about Mexicans than from gabachos in Laguna or Newport (probably because the only time they see them is when they are getting some kind of manual labor service). I know Mexico is inherently conservative and racist, and I wasn’t surprised to encounter conservative fanaticism from Latinos, but hearing such pendejadas so consistently has been a bit shocking. Is there any scholarly evidence backing up my observations, or am I just being paranoico!

—Your Former Student Julio

Dear Wab:

Refry this: A 2014 Pew Hispanic Center survey showed that 11 percent of Latinos surveyed identified as libertarian—almost as many as gabachos! As I’ve been writing since you were in high school, Mexican immigrants from the countryside and their descendents (the majority of Mexicans) are natural libertarians, what with their up-by-the-bootstraps mentality, skepticism toward government of any kind, hatred of the police and love of liberty (let us play our tamborazo in the backyard and raise chickens in peace!)—but they also bring with them social mores from the days of having sex through a hole in the sheet. It’s those pesky chilangos and Chicano Studies yaktivists like myself who push our cousins and parents toward modernity, toward them accepting the primo in the closet and explaining why words like joto and puto just aren’t cool anymore. Needless to say, the struggle es real …

I would just like an answer. As I’m sure you are well aware, there isn’t much letup on the whole “immigration” debate. And, whitey (being as white as he can) continues whining about how “the Mexicans took my job” and “non-English speaking this” and “I can’t understand Spanish” that. So, how do I get people to knock it off? I’m just your average everyday white guy, which nobody really listens to anymore. Anyhoo, whitey complains too much about his job being given away, but it’s been shown on television, radio and other media that a lot of people can’t handle, let alone keep up with, a lot of the jobs that the migrant workers and immigrants get. That, and Mexico has such a diverse and rich culture that everyone just tosses aside (except for the ever-popular Taco Hell). Spanish is also one of the easier languages to learn, and is considered to be one of the Romance languages.

So my question, again: how do I get whitey to stop being so, well, white? How can I open up the doors to a more peaceful community between our people? I know as just one loner, I can’t do much, but the Buddha said, “If only one will listen.” So please: Help me help others end the pointless feuding, and realize we’re all in this together. America can’t just say one thing and enforce another (although we’re really good at it). Thank you for your time.

—Just a Whitey

Dear Gabacho:

How do you stop gabachos from being gabachos? Make ’em Mexicans—and we’re working on that, one taco and gabachita at a time.