Close range, long distance

If my girlfriend is distant, what is the best thing to do? And, after I do whatever you suggest and nothing changes, is it best to leave the relationship? She goes into these periods where she doesn’t call or text. If I text, she barely responds. How do I keep her from pulling away?

You can’t control her rhythm of withdrawing from the relationship; only she has that power. If she suffers from a mental health problem, like depression, she may not grasp why she pulls away. It’s also possible that she’s not well-schooled in love, so when things go sideways in a relationship, she handles that hurt by avoiding you. It’s a passive-aggressive way of signaling suffering. By hiding she avoids responsibility for addressing her feelings and for growing toward her higher self.

Be clear that your girlfriend’s withdrawals are intended to inflict pain on you, and they do. If you haven’t told her how much it hurts when she goes away, she might not realize the amount of harm she’s doing. That doesn’t mean you should tolerate her behavior. It does mean that you must accept that her brain is stuck on a connect-withdrawal loop. Nothing will change until she acknowledges her problem and commits to communicating honestly and directly.

My boyfriend, my best friend and I had a half-naked drunken make-out session in my boyfriend’s car after a party. My boyfriend is not attracted to my best friend (a guy) but I am. He’s gay but we’ve always flirted and played around for fun. I want more. My best friend doesn’t, of course. When I try to drop a clue, he says, “I’m never getting that drunk around you again. It was disgusting, right?” No! Not disgusting. What do I do?

Swear off booze? The thing about being blitzed is that it taints your memory. So maybe the threesome wasn’t as good as it gets. Maybe it was a slobbery free-for-all that seemed great because it was different that your usual sexplay with your boyfriend. But please don’t tell me that you’re one of those people who imagines she can inspire a gay man to switch his sexual preference. If that’s your plan, back away from your best friend. He deserves a pal who respects the boundary that he is hammering into place.

I have tried to get my boyfriend to communicate with me, but it doesn’t work. He doesn’t talk. It’s lonely to be in the same house with someone who won’t connect or share his feelings. How do you know when you are sacrificing too much in a relationship?

Communication is a relationship essential; it’s not a perk. If you yearn for a man who opens his heart, mind and soul to you, and your man has tried and is not able, isn’t it an act of love to accept his limitations? You might be alone for a while, and you might be lonely at times. But when you connect with a man who can meet you at all levels, you’ll wonder why you put up with crumbs for so long.