Called it! Oscars edition.

By the time this Cinema Scoped column is published, literally thousands of post-Oscar breakdown columns will have been posted, texted, tweeted and otherwise expunged.

I call bullshit on those columns.

Any schmuck can write about something after it happens, but I’m so confident in my years of Oscar expertise, that I am filing my post-Oscar column on Saturday … the day before the 2011 Academy Awards telecast occurs. If I’m right, these are the five things that average Americans were talking about on Monday morning (assuming that average Americans don’t talk about anything of substance):

Prediction No. 1: The evening got off to an ugly start when an emotional Actor in a Supporting Role winner Christian Bale rambled from his prepared speech to deliver a lengthy harangue against the critics of Newsies (“Crutchy was a f—-ing Christ figure, you bloody twats!”). Before the network could cut away, Bale was caught telling presenter Helen Mirren “I’m f—-ing done with you, mate!” as she attempted to usher him offstage.

Prediction No. 2: A small slice of Oscar history was made when Sound Effects Editing co-winner Hans Schleffel became the first Academy Award honoree to ever thank his animatronic doll “life partner” from the stage … and dance with her at the post-show Governors Ball.

Prediction No. 3: The traditional “In Memoriam” montage was marred when actor Nick Nolte, not quite understanding that the honor was reserved for the recently deceased, became enraged at his exclusion and had to be restrained. As the telecast cut to commercial, Nolte could be overheard blaming his snub on “the Eye-talians.”

Prediction No. 4: On a more somber note, British comedian Ricky Gervais was tragically killed Sunday night by Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences-contracted snipers when he was spotted within 50 yards of a live microphone.

Prediction No. 5: The King’s Speech. Called it?