Butterscotch? I hardly know her scotch.

Television land is chock-full of depressing and loveless a-holes trying to give us love advice, and like many other things about this confusing world, it’s just twisted and sick. Seriously, flip to ABC’s The View sometime, and try not to vomit as the five sexless, libido-wilting power-yentas who probably haven’t had an “encounter” since prohibition ended try to wax poetic on the nuances of amour. It’s grosser than watching a cat give birth, but less hot. Who do these sexual hack-jobs think they are? And more, why are they trying to traumatize us? America has spoken, and we want love advice from a young, beautiful and intelligent woman, which is where, thank God, the 22-year-old beatboxer and finalist on NBC’s America’s Got Talent who goes by the name of Antoinette “Butterscotch” Clinton comes in. Well, Clinton, a Davis resident, doesn’t actually offer her advice per se, but if you call her enough and push her nearly to the point of a restraining order, she’ll give it to you. Yeah, she’ll give it to you, all right.

What can I do to be more romantic?

Be yourself. Just focus on trying to give to other people.

Hey, that’s pretty good.

I don’t know. You could write a song, write a poem.

I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for seven years. Do you think I can wait a few more without getting married?

I think you should maybe pop the question soon.

Like in the next year?

Um, yeah.

Hmm … how can ugly dudes look less ugly?

Uh, hats are good.

That’s good, because I wear hats. Is there a good color for ugly people to wear that makes them less ugly?

I don’t know. Maybe black.

I was going to say turquoise.

Turquoise is a good one.

Yeah, it really draws the eyes away from the ugly. Anyway, one time I went out with a black girl, and she told me that my nose was too pointy and that I kissed like a white person. It was 10 years ago, and it was traumatizing. Do you have any tips so that doesn’t happen to anyone else?

Well, don’t use too much tongue.

That’s a good tip.

Moderation is everything. Don’t try to go too fast; it’s just like a lip massage, you know?

No. But yeah, that’s really good. Where do you stand on dudes with plucked eyebrows?

If they have a unibrow, it’s cool.

It’s cool to have a unibrow?

[No], it’s cool if they pluck it.

Oh.

But if their eyebrows look better than mine, then that’s not good.

Moderation again.

Yeah.

I can’t drink anymore because of legal issues. Is there anything else I can do to get me really fucked up?

Uhh.

You’re supposed to say, “My music, man.”

Uhh.

Are you dating anyone?

No.

Weren’t you on that show with David Hasselhoff?

Yeah.

Whoa … he’s a ladies man, huh?

Sure, if you like old.

You don’t think he’s pretty hot?

No.

Oh. OK. Well, hey, would you ever date a half-Mexican?

Yeah, of course.

That leads into my next question: Would you ever provide the beats to my raps?

Uh, I’m not so sure.