Breaking up is hard to do

My boyfriend and I did the long- distance thing for a year. We knew it was too hard, and we broke up two months ago. He initiated the breakup, and a part of me is trying to deal with feelings of rejection. I am an attractive person with a strong career, financial independence and a good number of friends. I am trying to keep busy, even trying to date, but I still feel so sad sometimes. Is this normal? I’ll do fine for a week or so, and then suddenly, I’ll just miss him terribly. Sometimes, I’ll go home and just cry for hours until I fall asleep. I thought it would be good for me to buy myself an adult toy. But when I use it, it just makes me cry and miss him even more. Is there something exceptionally wrong with me?

Actually, there is something profoundly right in your willingness to experience your feelings. Emotions are signals. Your body is trying to focus your attention toward what needs to be healed. The work now is to trace those feelings back to the beliefs that inspired them. For example, perhaps before you go home and cry yourself to sleep, you think, “He always called me when I got off work.” Because you know he is not going to call, you sink into a deepening sadness. Other thoughts feed it: “Men always leave me. I’ll never have what I want.” Soon enough, you’re soaking your pillow.

It is difficult to strip our psyche of its veils, but seeing the truth about ourselves heals and strengthens us. That brings me to your inclination to play with toys. Remember, the toy doesn’t have the power to make you cry and miss your ex-boyfriend. It’s more likely that when you masturbate, you are reminded that what you really crave is intimacy. But rather than physical intimacy, you need emotional and spiritual intimacy from yourself right now. So, as you tend to your feelings of loss, elicit the fears beneath your sadness. Then, put fear to rest through talk therapy, journaling or meditation. It’s helpful to discontinue dating until this process is complete.

My fiancé and I separated about four months ago, but I love him so much. Although I was faithful to him, he was always suspicious that I was not. That’s why we had problems. I’m afraid of getting married and having regrets. Please tell me if I am right to call this relationship off or if I should continue it.

You should mourn the absence of trust in your relationship. Hopefully, that will keep you from seducing yourself with ideas about the advantages of your fiancé while downplaying his disadvantages. Look back at your childhood and see if your fiancé’s pattern of abuse is similar to a pattern you experienced with a parent or caregiver. And, yes, if your fiancé is not actively in therapy to transform his pattern of emotional abuse, cancel the engagement.

I want to leave a job that provides me with an excellent income, health care and security. I’m unmarried, but the support of my parents and siblings is conditional at best and critical at worst. My father keeps talking about the importance of building net worth. I’m afraid I’m going to cave and not follow my dream. Ideas?

“The measure of your wealth is how much you would be worth if you lost all your money.” This anonymous quote reminds me that net worth can be measured by the quality of our relationships and the wisdom we gain from living a conscious life. Enjoy your leap of faith!