Bongs away!

High anxiety: The economy’s going to hell in a hand basket, the Middle East is on the verge of all-out war and global warming threatens to melt the polar ice caps, drowning civilization like a kitten in a bath tub. As certain Christian sects have long suspected, it seems the apocalypse is finally upon us. Jesus is coming and man is he pissed.

There’s no doubt that ol’ JC, if he did indeed presently return, would be in serious need of some anxiety-relieving herb or tincture. The question is, what would Jesus smoke? Skunk bud or Buddha Thai? Purple kush or Lebanese blond? Sadly, it was a question that went unasked when the infamous “Bong Hits 4 Jesus” case came before the U.S. Supreme Court on March 19.

To recap: Back in 2002, the Olympic torch-carrying ceremony was passing through Juneau, Ala. Juneau-Douglas High School students were excused to watch the ceremony. While TV cameras whirred away, 18-year-old senior Joseph Frederick, with a little help from his friends, unfurled a 14-foot banner reading “Bong Hits 4 Jesus” across from the school.

Then-principal Deborah Morse went apeshit, claiming the banner advocated drug use. She seized the banner and expelled Frederick, doubling his sentence after he refused to narc out his accomplices. Frederick filed suit, claiming the school had violated his right to free speech. After winding its way through litigation, the case landed on the desk of the highest court in the land. Bongs away!

Jesus H. Chronic: Christ crunked up? Before burning Bites at the stake for heresy, know that the good book makes frequent reference to the king of kings’ marijuana usage, as in this passage from Rastafarians 420:13: “I smoke two joints in the morning, I smoke two joints at night. I smoke two joints in the afternoon, it makes me feel all right. I smoke two joints in time of peace, and two in time of war. I smoke two joints before I smoke two joints, and then I smoke two more.”

OK, Bites made that up. But real Bible passages do appear to make at least oblique references to weed, as in Isaiah 18:4-5: “For afore harvest, when the bud is perfect and the sour grape is ripening in the flower, he shall cut off the sprigs with pruning hooks and take away and cut down the branches.”

Sounds suspiciously similar to harvest time in Humboldt County. Could Isaiah’s buds be today’s nugs? Obviously, the verse is open to interpretation, but rumor has it that James Cameron, upon recently opening an ancient sarcophagus found in a 2000-year-old Jerusalem tomb, found a small glass pipe: the lost bong of Jesus.

OK, Bites made that up, too. But think about it. Walking on water. Healing paralytics. Raising the dead. They must have had some hellacious hydro back in the day!

Starr power: Indicating the seriousness with which the reborn Bush administration and some Christians take the “Bong Hits 4 Jesus” case, former independent counsel Ken Starr has been enlisted to defend Morse, and civilization as we know it, from unruly and rebellious teenagers. Will Starr do for ganja what he did for fellatio? Only time will tell. The Supremes will release their decision on the case in July.

Meanwhile, don’t think all conservative Christians are drinking the same bong water. The short list of organizations lining up to defend Frederick’s right to free speech include the Pat Robertson-founded American Center for Law and Justice and the Rutherford Institute, a public-interest law firm that represents conservative Christian causes, such as Paula Jones’ lawsuit against Bill Clinton.

Marijuana is the message: blow jobs bad, bong hits good. Just when you thought things couldn’t get any weirder, we round the bend into la-la land. No doubt if Jesus did return today, he’d take one look and head straight back to wherever the hell he came from.