Bigoted, heteronormative misogyny

Dear Mexican:

I know an 18-year-old getting deported from the USA. He has been here since he was 5 years old. His entire family is here and undocumented. He grew up in juvenile halls and committed a felony as soon as he turned 18. Will he be deported for sure, or will the immigration judge give him a break since his entire family is here?

—Deportations Are for Dummies

Dear Gabacho:

Alas, homeboy is probably going, going, adiós. The Obama administration’s Deferred Action for Childhood Arrival, which allows youngsters who live in the country without legal permission a two-year stay of deportation (subject to renewal) until Congress gets its amnesty act together, specifically, states that candidates aren’t eligible if you’ve “been convicted of a felony, significant misdemeanor, three or more other misdemeanors, and do not otherwise pose a threat to national security or public safety.” Without knowing the circumstances of the guy you’re talking about, it doesn’t seem he stands a chance for judicial mercy or to become a cause célèbre for DREAM Act youth across the country. That said, if all the charges were bullshit, and the legal system has royally screwed the kid, get in contact with your local “dreamer” movement, as their courage in fighting for the damned has been far more impressive than what Latino politicians have shown. And do it fast: The Obama administration deports Mexicans as quickly as California’s reservoirs are drying up.

My wife (who is Mexican), is a tough nut psychologically to figure out, so I am turning to the expert to for some desperately needed insight. Essentially, when we began dating, all was right as rain. She was sweet, kind, considerate and extremely attentive. Now, what I call “brown outs” occur. She will fly off the handle at the drop of a hat; throw things; says awful, nasty things—basically turn into a she-devil. Furthermore, the jealousy (although, seemingly dormant for the moment) is always there. I think it would drive her loca if I ever left my garage and had a beer at the cantina again. We love each other very much, so I guess you could say our marriage is anything but dull. Is this typical with Mexican women? ¡Ayúdame!

—Lobo Blanco

Dear Gabacho:

The traditional explanation is that it is all about sangre: The blood of the Moors, Spaniards, Gypsies and Aztecs coursing through a mujer’s veins, resulting in a quartet of locura that was simultaneously alluring and dangerous (just refer to the Agustín Lara canon, specifically “Granada,” for further detail). On second thought, that’s just bigoted, heteronormative misogyny, so let’s just chalk it up to the fact that Mexican women are crazy because they’re women, mmmkay?

I have no pride in being Mexican-American. I’m not that insecure! It’s pathetic that people take pride in something they had no control over! I take pride in my personal accomplishments and my behavior and things that I control, the decisions I make, the goals I reach. Grow up.

—Proud to Be Me

Dear Wab:

Congratulations on becoming the first Mexican acolyte of Ayn Rand!