Best of the Burbs

Welcome to our Best of the Burbs issue! Now is the time to settle down. Time to buy a home and raise your kids. Fittingly, we’ve concocted a test to tell you exactly where you belong. Just answer honestly, turn to the appropriate page and we’ll decide your future for you.

(1) Which animal would you take into your home as a pet?

(a) A chicken. Not just one, though. Chickens everywhere. Why the hell not.

(b) A doe. I really like deer. And The Sound of Music.

(c) A turkey. Something kinda refined, kinda rustic. And edible.

(d) A large serpent. One that a style magazine might call “exotic.”

(2) Have you ever looked at a person in shabby clothes and felt nothing but contempt?

(a) I'm so confused. And you shouldn't say such things about my partner.

(b) No. That person's just doing their thing. Why do you care?

(c)Yes, and I've already called the police.

(d) Yes—and those pants! It's like they got their fashion tips from an online clown college.

(3) On average, how much are you willing to spend on a meal?

(a) $5. As long as it tastes OK and fills me up, whatever.

(b) $10. I would rather pay a little bit and know that I was going to eat something decent.

(c) $20. I'm going out because I want something good that I can't make for myself.

(d) $20 or more. This place better have artisanal toast.

(4) How patient are you?

(a) Very. I've lived a long life of doing nothing and that isn't changing.

(b) Somewhat. Traffic is kinda peaceful, if you think about it.

(c) Not very. Sometimes, I get angry at red lights.

(d) Not at all. I'm pissed at this dumb quiz!

(5) What would you prefer to do on a Friday night?

(a) I dunno, is anything but bowling and Denny's open past 9 p.m.?

(b) Cruise around on empty streets avoiding the kids, duh.

(c) Drink way too much at fake saloons and puke on the rickety floorboards.

(d) Two words: wine bar.

(6) What do you really hear when something’s described as “quaint"?

(a) Charming, a positive, contented quality.

(b) Historic, authentic, valuable.

(c) Only interesting to people who don't live here.

(d) Poor.

(7) Where would you like to go on vacation?

(a) Would rather have a staycation.

(b) Concepción de Ataco, El Salvador.

(c) Crespano del Grappa, Italy.

(d) Chignahuapan, Mexico.

Tally up your answers under each letter. The letter with the highest number of answers is your new hometown!

If you answered mostly A, click here.

If you answered mostly B, click here.

If you answered mostly C, click here.

If you answered mostly D, click here.

(And if it's a draw, we can't help you.)