Best of the Burbs: What to do during 24 hours in Roseville

I‘m not afraid to admit that I grew up near Roseville. Back then, a day of adventure mainly consisted of riding bikes in dirt fields. And getting yelled at by mom. Ah, the good old days! Anyway, those dirt fields are now sushi bars (but mom is still upset), and now you can only do things in Roseville like blow cash on overpriced kitchenware and phablets at the various centers of mass commerce that inundate Roseville 2.0.

Or is that all? I’m gonna stay positive and wager that there’s actually a wealth of hidden secrets in Roseville, Rocklin and Granite Bay. Consider:

8 a.m. Actual physical exertion

Today is not a normal day. So why not start it in completely abnormal and alien way: exercise. There’s a trail near the Miners Ravine Nature Reserve, a twisting and hill-dotted route that starts in old Roseville and ends near Sierra College. There and back is a badass 8.5 miles. Put on those running shoes you bought but never used. Do the entire run, put that workout in the bank before noon.

10:15 a.m. Something old, something better

My grandparents used to always take me to the no frills, greasy-spoon dive Roseville Family Restaurant (433 Riverside Avenue, (916) 786-0166), tucked away on a forgotten strip parallel to the railroad tracks in southwest Roseville. But that place is so old school, and after today’s work out, you deserve to treat yourself (such is the Roseville mantra, no?). Today, it’s Four Sisters Cafe (9050 Fairway Drive, Suite 165; (916) 797-0770). After your run, the “eggceptional” house omelet and maybe the Paradise Waffle are in order?

Noon Straight gluttony

No, you will not be working off those waffles by having us watch you whip and nae-nae. You will devour more carbs and sugar, this time in the form of Rocklin’s finest cakes … at Fancy Funnel Cakes (4800 Granite Drive, Suite B-11; (916) 259-2482). And why not a couple of deep-fried brownie bites, just because.

1 p.m. Day rage

Running shoes, rustic cafes—your day’s become quotidian Roseville and it’s just noon. So why not keep this trend up with some clandestine day drinking!

A classic spot is Onyx Club (116 Main Street, (916) 786-7709), part of the old Roseville circuit where you don’t have to be a financial planner or consultant to afford to throw back a handful of stiff ones. There remain other less-divey locales in this old-town train-station part of town. But screw that. You’re going to Onyx.

3 p.m. Sober up for dinner

Call grandma, tell her to bring the kids to LazerCraze (6694 Lonetree Boulevard, (916) 259-2729), where you’ll find dimmed lights and miles of cheap, greasy pizza, the perfect hangover cure while you let the young’uns roam free and wild. Bonus: You can pass out in the dark corner of LazerCraze’s 7,000 square-foot laser-tag area ($15 per player, even if you’re nodding off).

7 p.m. Baller-status dinner

After a nap, dinner-date night at Hawks (5530 Douglas Boulevard in Granite Bay, (916) 791-6200). The shopping center where you’ll find one of Placer County’s best restaurants used to be my bus stop in the ’90s. Awesome. And did you know that Hawks brews its own house beer? On rotation, give it a spin. Also, check out their “Sunday Supper” dinners, a four-course, seasonal meal at $40 per guest.

And there you go, that’s Roseville for you. Rinse, repeat.