Below the belt

There has long been a theory in psychiatric circles that the size of the cigar a man smokes is directly proportional to that man’s fears of phallic inadequacy. By that measure, you have to figure Rush Limbaugh may be harboring an issue or two regarding the size of his member. Limbaugh smokes cigars the size of tree limbs, and there are many who believe that this is a clear indication of his diminutive genital allotment.

Though it is only speculation—of the kind Limbaugh has always indulged in on his syndicated radio show—there is reason to believe that Limbaugh may not have been generously endowed by his creator. That speculation is given weight by Limbaugh’s marital history, a history littered with divorce and failed relationships. Those marriages and those relationships might have failed for reasons other than Limbaugh’s endowment deficiencies, but coupled with the talk-show host’s fondness for those gargantuan cigars, the theory of Limbaugh’s under-endowment begins to take on added credibility. Though conservatives no doubt will argue that it was gay marriage that undermined Limbaugh’s marital unions, it’s more likely those partnerings collapsed because Limbaugh wasn’t up to the needs of his mates, size-wise.

Now Limbaugh has made the news again for being detained while authorities looked into his medical kit. Rush was found to be in possession of a whole bunch of Viagra that was prescribed for someone else. Just when it seemed that Rush had beaten his addiction to OxyContin, now it seems that he’s hooked on Viagra to the degree that he can’t get enough in his own name, but needs to use front men to supply him with enough of the little blue pills to keep him inflated. Worse yet, though the Viagra may get him up and operable, the suspicion persists that once his phallic flag gets raised, he still can’t see it. And because it does not rise high enough for him to see, he has a harder and harder time finding women who will salute.

But such speculations are, of course, personal and have no bearing on Rush’s politics or his political opinions. After all, no one would ever use a man’s sex life as a means of discrediting his policy positions. No one would ever hound a sitting president day in and day out because of an alleged private sexual encounter that had nothing to do with that president’s performance in office.

Unless, maybe, such hounding was a reflection of sexual jealousy, or subterranean fears about one’s own manhood, or the size and the operational status of the organ most notably associated with one’s manhood.

We may never know if ol’ Rush got cheated in the penile lottery, and we may never know if he’s ever suffered any of those four-hour erections users are warned about as possible side effects of the erectile-dysfunction remedies, but we know beyond question that Limbaugh does suffer from clinically measurable levels of hypocrisy. Limbaugh showed no mercy in his opinions about people who use illegal drugs, or who use drugs illegally, though his fulminations on this issue tended to subside after the news got out that he was doing that very thing himself. And, though Rush rode his high horse through the Clinton years, taking every possible swipe he could at Clinton’s personal life, it’s a fair bet that Limbaugh would be outraged at speculations about the size of his member. Such speculations would be characterized, no doubt, as hitting below the belt.

So, as the saying goes, let’s not go there.