Arnold + cheerleaders = zany fun!

Bring it on: Even with half the state on fire, Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger has had no problem, so far, juggling the commitments that come from being both a politician and a celebrity. In fact, no sooner was his meeting with the Bush 2004 election campaign over than Schwarzenegger was off to Las Vegas for the Mr. Olympia pageant (a title he’s held seven times over!). That’s fine for now, but what about after Gray Davis and his minions have all slunk out of town? Will Arnold still be as adept at balancing what’s sure to be an ever-increasing slate of commitments?

No one is more concerned about that than fans who will be attending next March’s Arnold Classic international fitness weekend in Columbus, Ohio—especially those who have forked out $350 each for their VIP tickets (the ones that include getting your picture taken with Arnold).

“What do you think the chances are he won’t make it to his own ‘party’ in ’04?” frets someone named BimmerMlis in the Arnold Classic chat room. “If he doesn’t, somebody will have to pay me back for the VIP ticket, hotel and plane ticket,” laments JR.

Fortunately, both Big Joe and PJ log on to let fans know that, yes, Arnold has promised to be in town for the Classic.

Of course, Arnold also promised that after the election, he would reveal the details of his groping problem, and then he turned around after the election and dismissed it as “old news.” Still, assuming he’s more truthful with fitness fans than with voters, Arnold will be on hand for the 16th edition of the fitness weekend, and especially for the event Bites imagines will be the weekend’s highlight: the Arnold Cheerleading and Dance Championships. No, we’re not making this up. “Terminate the competition!” commands Arnold at U.S. Spirit’s Web site (www.us-spirit.com/arnold.htm), where we can “join Arnold and some of the country’s best cheerleaders and dancers at the most unique spirit event of the year!”

Although the site hasn’t been updated to include Arnold’s new title, it does include a helpful link for those cheerleaders who have been hiding under a rock this past month: “Want to know more about Arnold, and what he’s up to these days? Visit his official Web site at Schwarzenegger.com.”

Retail rumor: If George W. Bush’s favorite new governor can normalize relations between California and Washington, D.C., is it also possible that Bush’s favorite communications empire, Clear Channel, can revive our own Tower Records? One rumor that turned up on the industry gossip Web site The Velvet Rope is that the rulers of the airwaves are considering purchase of the Sacramento-based retail record giant. Imagine the amazing synergy—as they used to say in the 20th century—of having all our radio stations, music clubs and record stores all owned by the same company? Of course, rumors on The Velvet Rope are pretty much as ephemeral as the cyberspace they occupy, but Bites can still dream.

A fortune from misfortune: If, like Bites, you’re always looking for an opportunity to profit from the misery of others, you, too, will want to join the Bio-Terrorism Stock Alert. In what has to be one of the most bizarrely worded pitches of all time, the newsletter informs us that: “Chemical & Bio-logical [sic] warfare, and the threat of terrorism is now part of the daily news. Sadly enough [?] this threat also offers opportunity for the investor who plays the market looking for companies that are poised for rapid growth.”

Indeed, the premiere edition of the Bio-Terrorism Stock Alert—which arrived in Bites’ in-box somewhere between the Christian Coalition of America Action Alert and “Hello ddaol [sic] my mom gets wild and naughty”—pushes the stock of a company that’s bound to go through the roof now that the “FDA says: Food is NOT SAFE!”

In a better world, Bites would reveal this vital information so that you, too, could become fabulously wealthy while others died horrible deaths. Yet, sadly enough, that’s an opportunity Bites just can’t afford to share.