Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Our 16th president goes to war in 1861, not to preserve the Union or abolish slavery, but to conquer an army of vampires, one of whom murdered his mother; only a last-minute shipment of silver bullets to Gettysburg saves the war. Director Timur Bekmambetov and writer Seth Grahame-Smith (adapting his own novel) achieve the near-impossible: They concoct a movie that’s even more stupid than it sounds. The movie trivializes and insults history—but it’s only entertainment, right? No, it’s not entertainment; it’s garbage. Performances don’t help: Benjamin Walker, cute as a button, is ludicrously miscast as Lincoln, and looks like he knows it. Mary Elizabeth Winstead, equally miscast as his wife, at least provides amusement with the one hilariously awful line: “Abraham! We’ll be late for the theater!”