A cozy booty call

The term “Netflix and chill” evokes family night—cuddled on the couch under a cozy blanket, passing a big bowl of gourmet popcorn, videos stacked and waiting on the coffee table. It evokes sleepovers with school friends—munching pizza, and gossiping about Hollywood stars while watching movies together. We relax, we laugh, we scream and cry; we bond. But Netflix and chill is not a cute name for the quality time we spend with people we care about. It’s a euphemism for sex, a booty-call wrapped in a comforter. And its popularity tells us a lot about ourselves.

The pressure of expectations (our own, our family’s, our culture’s) is exhausting. High school is hard work. College is hard work. Careers are hard work. We’re stressed for success. Relationships are an investment of our time, energy and attention, especially romantic relationships. The idea of a bae (“before anyone else”—an affectionate term for your soul mate) is more appealing than finding and staying connected to a bae. At least that’s the internal dialogue a lot of 20-somethings and teens use to justify the Netflix-and-chill hookup. The overscheduled lifestyle they are prepped for, and immersed in, leaves very little energy for courtship. Between studying to score a perfect GPA; 10,000 practice hours in the arts or athletics to achieve mastery; internships, work experience and income-generating employment, who has the energy for courtship, or even a real connection? Inviting someone to your dorm room or apartment to kick it with a DVD conjures memories of simpler times. And that’s how Netflix and chill became a perfect first date, or rather, anti-date.

The problem with using a euphemism for sexual activity is that it encourages denial about sexual activity. Netflix and chill becomes a game of pretend, as in: “Let’s both pretend we don’t know that we’re agreeing to have sex.” Sexual euphemisms downplay the reality of our desire, our sexuality and our responsibility. Consent can get muddied when you say you’re just “sleeping together.” Or when you’re hanging out on the couch, watching a DVD and “it just happened.”

A euphemism is also romantically confusing. For some people, Netflix and chill is like falling into sex, and hoping to wake up in like. It’s employing sex as stress relief, or boredom intervention, or to cope with the lack of real intimacy. What if young adults could talk comfortably about sex, admit to feeling desire (a natural consequence of being human) while also acknowledging to themselves that acting on an invitation to have sex is not always in their best interest? What if they also learned how to reduce stress on their own? Easing stress through activities like meditation, yoga, psychotherapy, massage and energy work, encourages personal growth, as well as self-soothing. Making a conscious choice to be sexually intimate, instead of falling into sex, engages personal power and clarity.

If you’re stuck in a Netflix-and-chill cycle and want to opt out, here’s how: Decide you’re worthy of intimacy on every level—emotional, mental, spiritual and physical. Decide that you’re worthy of courtship, too. Hold out for someone who cares for all of you and whose behavior proves it, and treat others the same way.