A cheating heart

I caught my man cheating. When I confronted him, he said he thought I would be fine with it because on our first date I said I was “open-minded.” WTF! He just kept blaming his hookup on “miscommunication.” When that didn’t work, he said I was unclear in communicating my expectation of exclusivity. He said he would never have agreed to being monogamous. The worst thing is I’m still attracted to him. He hasn’t responded to my texts or phone calls. Please help. I miss him so much.

Of course you miss him, honey, he’s been your crush and you had hopes for the relationship. He’s gone, not because of who you are, but because of who he is. So let go of what you thought you had. See the relationship for what it is: over. Accepting that reality is painful now, but eventually a discovery will sink in. You lost a man who is fundamentally incapable of honesty. He failed to take responsibility for breaking your heart. You deserve better.

Here’s a mantra that might inspire you: What happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness. Make a promise to yourself to be clear, direct and honest when talking about what you expect in return for giving your heart. If you withheld your wishes because you feared confrontation, notice that confrontation arrived at your heart’s door anyway. In future relationships, be upfront. Your next man may still leave but at least you will know it wasn’t because of miscommunication. It will be due to his inability to rise to the relationship that you are ready for. Be grateful and date on.

My parents divorced my freshman year of college. It was a relief to my siblings and me. My mom cheated on my dad for years and everyone knew it, even him. It was pathetic watching them, actually. It sickened me. My mom thought she was hot sh*t but after six years single she’s got nothing. So she starts sniffing around my dad again. And now they’re getting remarried. My dad is happy, and I hate to spoil it, but my brothers and I are planning an intervention. Can you help us figure out how to convince him not to reunite with our mother?

No, and neither can you. Here’s what is possible: curiosity. Ask him for the signs he has noticed that assure him your mother has changed. If there are none, inquire whether it will be an open marriage or a return to false monogamy. Invite him to see a medical doctor about his state of mind. Tell him you think he might be depressed—understandably so—and his doctor can refer him to a psychologist who can help. Let him know that you love him and are concerned. Promise that you won’t be constantly criticizing his choice to remarry—it’s his life, after all. Then step back and let your father live as he chooses. Invest your energy and focus into your own life. Avoid unconsciously resigning yourself to a love that cheats you of the spiritual, emotional, sexual and mental intimacy at the center of a healthy relationship.