Transformers: Dark of the Moon

The Transformers franchise is the most perverse porn ever devised. Thank you, Michael Bay. And Steven Spielberg. You’ve managed to make Paris Hilton, furries and Japanese tentacles look tame. What you’ve done is brilliant. In a sad, sick way. Build a web of nostalgia to lure in those thirtysomething suckers and give their lizard brains a good rub as they sigh over childhood toys. As someone who likes money, I can see the why of that. But … Michael Bay has no soul. He has no clue as to what a human feels. Or even how to fake it. And you can’t create empathy from a vacuum. So in this newest installment of the series, when Bay tracks the camera through a bus of smoldering corpses, he can’t sell us that they’re anything but actors and dry ice. Not even characters, just props. So remove empathy and what’s left? Porn. And what’s the movie about? Well, it’s roughly about 2 1/2 hours of giant robots beating the oil out of each other. And other shit. Boring shit. And Bay being a freak. This is what we pay to see. This is everything we deserve. Cinemark 14, Feather River Cinemas and Paradise Cinema 7. Rated PG-13