Still to come

A (snarky) look ahead at 2014’s fall film offerings

The Skeleton Twins

(Sept. 12) Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig in the quintessential anti-Saturday Night Live spinoff. Wayne’s World on dabs?

The Equalizer

(Sept. 26) Denzel Washington and his Training Day director do what U.S. soccer couldn’t: beat hella ass.

The Judge

(Oct. 10) Hollywood’s two Roberts (Downey Jr. and Duvall) bitch at each other for two hours. Then, hugs.

Kill the Messenger

(Oct. 10) Jeremy Renner as journalist Gary Webb, who briefly worked for the News & Review. (Nothing snarky to say, sorry.)

St. Vincent

(Oct. 24) Let’s imagine that your neighbor is Dr. Peter Venkman …

Interstellar

(Nov. 7) 2001: A Space Odyssey meets The Notebook. Called it!

Rosewater

(Nov. 7) Jon Stewart ups his big-screen game post-Half Baked cameos with this directorial debut.

Dumb and Dumber To

(Nov. 14) Predicting jokes as dead as a parakeet.

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay—Part 1

(Nov. 21) Milking every last dollar out of Hunger Games fans by splitting the third book into two films? For shame!

Horrible Bosses 2

(Nov. 26) Apparently the original earned enough moolah on TV to merit a sequel, which proves that zoning out and watching crap movies on cable isn’t a victimless crime.

Penguins of Madagascar

(Nov. 26) Watching animated penguin spies: Another argument for birth control.

Inherent Vice

(Dec. 12) Paul Thomas Anderson adapts Thomas Pynchon and riffs on The Big Lebowski. I’ll abide.

Exodus: Gods and Kings

(Dec. 12) Ridley Scott gets biblical? Christian Bale as Moses? Hard to keep the faith.

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

(Dec. 17) Another three-hour nap in your future.

Annie

(Dec. 19) I’d take a hard knock on my head over seeing this musical remake starring Jamie Foxx.

Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb

(Dec. 19) I hear the secret of the tomb is to lock this movie’s print in there and see what happens.

The Interview

(Dec. 25) Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg’s This Is the End follow-up, whereupon they go Errol Morris on Kim Jong-Un. Dennis Rodman cameo?

Into the Woods

(Dec. 25) All the fairy tales … and singing!

Big Eyes

(Dec. 25) Tim Burton gets serious (sans Johnny Depp) about artist Margaret Keane’s annoying doe-eyed paintings. Merry Christmas!

Unbroken

(Dec. 25) Angelina Jolie directs the true story of Forrest Gump? Reagan revolutionites reloading!