Shut up, little man!

There is nothing sadder and more pathetic in film than watching a grown man imitate a child, and in the annals of sad and pathetic comedians going for a cheap laugh in a one-joke movie, Marlon Wayans has definitely filled the diaper. You know, the kind of odoriferous object left steaming in the summer heat on a park bench … or in a Wal-Mart parking lot … or in this case, in the No. 2 theater of the multiplex.

Here, as the eponymous, CGI-enhanced, larcenous character (you know he’s larcenous from the beginning because he and his sibling co-writers stole the premise from an old Bugs Bunny cartoon), Wayans scrunches his face as the little-person body double flaps diminutive arms, a pint-sized jewel thief forced by unlikely circumstance to pose as a foundling left on the house steps of a suburban couple in order to gain access to a $100,000 diamond stashed in the wife’s handbag. Do you really need me to tell you what follows? Of course not, but I will: breast-feeding jokes, castor oil, rectal thermometers, beaucoups kicks/knees/smacks in the balls (lather, rinse, repeat), yet another dog piss joke (the gag to top this summer, it seems), voyeurism of the couple getting it on, and baby makes for a threesome …

Just think, all those years of research and development went into the creation of computer-generated imagery just so some hack can graft his visage atop the body of a midget and gurgle “Goo goo gah gah” noises as the female actresses unfortunate enough to be cast in this misbegotten waste of resources pretend to be amazed at the size of the supposed baby’s schlong. The entire concept is creepier than a Michael Jackson Day Care Center. But what would you expect from the writing team “let go” from the abysmal Scary Movie franchise because they weren’t funny enough for that cinematic cop-out of creativity, the borderline plagiaristic form of humor known as the spoof?

Meanwhile. Chazz Palminteri (as yet another goombah gangster in the long line of goombah gangsters on his résumé) reaches up from the toilet bowl for the handle, ready to just end it all … before the Sons of Italy burst into the bathroom and break his legs.

Stupid premise, stupid execution. A stupid movie for … well, humor is subjective, innit?