Rock Stardom for Dumbshits

Collaboratively written by the members of S.F. surf band The Phantom Surfers, this parody of how-to guides actually offers more than just laughs. The cover of the book claims it is “a how-to guide for those that want to succeed in the boring, low-paying world of rock, as easy as 1-2-3!” Indeed, the guide offers simplified instructions for any typical band with ambition to go farther than their practice room. For aspiring songwriters, for example, they’ve included a convenient chart to help create lyrics, peppered with such useful words as “burn,” “gouge,” “blood-drenched” and “kitten.” The main body of the text is composed of “three levels of the theory of rock.” Level One is for the entry-level band, or every garage band that stays in the garage: “Anyone who gets together for the sheer love of music is in Level One.” Level Two is for most every band out there, from working bar bands to hopefuls looking to be the next big thing, and Level Three is reserved for those few Big Things. Among all the jokes (“What do you call a musician who doesn’t have a girlfriend? Homeless!”), there is real advice given here. Perhaps the best of which is: “If you can’t go directly from Level One to Level Three, stay at Level One.”