Oh no! It’s the Outlaws!

Hide your valuables and cover your children’s ears—the Outlaws are comin’ to town. With the war in Iraq, the horrific tsunami that took thousands of lives and the general state of the world, you’d think people would have more serious things to contemplate than the name of a local semi-pro baseball team. Apparently not.

The hue and cry has reached far and wide. Heretofore law-abiding children will soon don handkerchiefs, draw toy guns and hold classrooms hostage. The very integrity of the city of Chico will be questioned. Baseball games will turn into merciless bloodbaths, fan against fan. All because of a name. And speaking of names, let’s take a look at some of the other local mascots.

The Pleasant Valley Vikings. Now there was a proud group. They spent a few centuries pillaging towns up and down Scandinavia, raping, looting, and kidnapping children. They also wore funny hats with big horns (a falsehood).

The Chico High Panthers. Panthers are beautiful animals, don’t get me wrong, but they kill people! And while Bobcats and Wildcats may be able to, it wouldn’t be as easy.

The Bidwell Junior High Pioneers. An innocent enough name, but if you know local history you know pioneers massacred an entire group of Yahi men (and mostly) women, and children in a cave in the Mill Creek Canyon area.

The Las Plumas High Thunderbirds. Isn’t Thunderbird a cheap alcoholic beverage?

The Red Bluff High Spartans. The Spartans are known as one of the most highly trained fighting machines humanity ever produced. Yet they promoted homosexuality (yikes!) among their troops. That’s where the phrase “I’ve got your back” was first coined.

The Durham and Orland High Trojans. How two high schools not more than 30 miles apart ended up with the same mascot and school colors beats me, but when the name “Trojan” is mentioned among high schoolers, a Greek warrior does not come to mind.

The list of evil, subliminal and brain damaging mascots goes on and on. Can’t people see that increasing gang violence, teen pregnancy and drug and alcohol use can be attributed to these innocent-sounding mascots? If you think the name "Chico Outlaws" is bad, you ought to consider those listed above!